Now What?

My next steps will most definitely NOT look like they did 10 years ago. I remember immediately looking up a 10k trainer, putting 6 weeks in, and running those 6.2 miles at an 11ish pace. L.O.L. To be young again. However, I do want the same things I wanted then – to continue making progress. So why not in the same way?

I am not regularly strength training as I was. Frankly, I am not regularly doing anything, which is part of why I’m so proud about running all the way through on Saturday. Putting my mind to things and doing them isn’t behind me, as I was beginning to fear. 30 pounds heavier, 10 years older, no strength training – and 3 minutes slower than my first time? I think I’m closer to the floor than the ceiling, which intrigues me. Notice that I didn’t say it excites me, since I am still feeling a bit shy about embracing a routine. That being said, I am determined to reach for the ceiling, even if it means being a *tad* uncomfortable.

I discovered over spring break that I don’t hate the gym. I hadn’t had a membership since 2018 and stopped going to the one in my apartment complex once the pandemic began. When my boo and I had a little getaway for our anniversary, I had no plans to go to the gym then, either! I was going to do my 5k training on the streets, ya know? One morning, I started out for a run and I felt a few raindrops. I learned then that I am more willing to mask in an uncrowded, immaculately clean fitness center than I am to get my twists wet. Since we’ve been back, I have been trying to figure out when I can hit an upscale hotel again with the express purpose of going to the gym!

As I write this, it sounds like I have transitioned into a weekend (vacation?) warrior. My next race is in 4 weeks, but it is in another city. I see myself doing strength two days a week at the house and running on the weekends. I tried to allow Garmin to create a get faster plan for me, but I couldn’t even bring myself to press “start plan.” It’s just not me at the moment. I don’t anticipate a summer full of races because it is JUST. TOO. HOT. Getting fit, walks for good causes, deciding to consider another training cycle when the weather is cooler.

Look at me, it’s less than a year since my last post. Goal – getting in four strength workouts and four runs before posting again.

Just because life looks different doesn’t mean it’s not still sweet. To my next steps!

Success and Expiration Dates

Have you ever wondered how long you are allowed to be proud of something you’ve accomplished?

As I struggle mentally with maintaining my weight loss, I wonder what right I have to feel like I’ve done something good with my life if it can slip away so quickly. When I scan my brain for other things I have accomplished, I immediately think of my education. Is that something that I will ever stop being proud of? Unlikely, because I put it into action daily (though EXTREMELY imperfectly)! I did it, and I’m doing it.

I’ll cut to the chase – what if my fairly toned outside matches my fat inside again? Would it be foolish to be proud of the year that I’ve had if I let myself go, so to speak? It’s like the jackass who says he didn’t beat his wife – today. He’s still a wife-beater! Okay, so I’ve had a relatively healthy 16 months. Don’t I have to keep doing it until I’m dead to count myself successful?

Does yesterday count for anything if today sucks?

11:59 PM

I may have to turn in my chick card for this, but unless it’s for working out or lingerie, I really dislike shopping for clothes. “Maybe she only likes shopping for activities for which she displays her mind-blowing physical prowess,” you think to yourself. Alas, this is not the case.

I hate:

1. Going to the rack for something that may catch my eye
2. If I find it, praying that it’s in my size
3. Figuring out what the hell my size may be in a particular clothing line
4. Undressing and seeing all my imperfections in that bloody mirror
5. Inevitably getting it wrong and having to put on my original clothes and try again
6. Seeking someone other than the sales chick for an opinion because she’s just trying to make a living

The list continues. However, none of those is the principal reason that I have been incredibly uncomfortable at the mall in recent months. As I’ve lost weight, I’ve been forced to purchase new clothes a few times. I am happy that I’m healthy, but I am not immune from the idiotic size foolishness. “Smaller is better than bigger.” Is it really? Is an 8 inherently better than a 12? Yeah, smaller Joan is better off than bigger Joan because she’s healthier. Yet I still am panicked when I choose an article of clothing, to the point where I’ll choose something that I think may be too big so I can be relieved instead of disappointed. Unless stores start charging less money because you are paying for less material, ladies, we need to cut this size obsession business out.

But, here I am. The healthiest I have ever been in my adult life. And I’m freaking terrified. Students, parents, friends, family – I keep getting encouraged and praised for my progress and it’s very difficult for me not to view that as pressure. Especially when people ask me for guidance as though I’m someone to look up to. Dammit, this ain’t work, this is life!

It is completely surreal to me that I am doing fit people things. I have become
one of those weirdos who feels like a
slacker when I get in only one workout a day. I once ate poorly fairly regularly – now, when I do I look forward to eating better and thus feeling better. When I happen to be indulging with others, it is often remarked that it is no problem for me because I’m “going to run a billion miles in the morning.” I hear that and I think, “this is not good fuel for that billion mile run but I want it anyway!” A reply like that generally would cause eyes to glaze over, so I leave it alone. I am – so not used to being this person. This life is so wonderful and liberating but it feels like a fairy tale. We are often told that all good things must come to an end and I can’t help but wonder when my carriage is going to turn back into a pumpkin. No mind that as soon as I typed “pumpkin,” I thought that I should work pumpkin seeds into my regular diet. This feels way too good to be true.

The fitting room is a much too tangible reminder of all I have gained and am at risk of losing. But what can I do? Maybe a move to a nudist colony is in order.