I have a race on Saturday, but I’m not going.
It’s not because I don’t think I would perform well enough, or because I don’t feel well, or even because I’m nursing my injuries. I simply don’t feel like doing it. This makes FOUR triathlons that I’ve registered to do and changed my mind.
It’s not as though money is no object for me. Each time I’ve clicked submit, even just 3 weeks ago for this coming race, I was looking forward to racing and training. I’ve made it to the pool, spin class, and run regularly since – and enjoyed it. It just doesn’t feel exciting for me to be racing triathlon at the moment.
I feel like I registered for this last one because somewhere in my mind I believe that the triathlon magnet I put on my car is going to spontaneously combust if I don’t race soon. I genuinely feel taunted by it when I see it, as though I should replace it with a running one because it seems to be more accurate at the given moment.
What is REALLY stopping me? Not gonna lie; I really don’t like those shark reports I’ve been hearing. It WOULD be my luck to be excited to make my return to racing and then get my ass bitten. It’s more likely that it’s just my nerves. I really have no reason to expect that I wouldn’t be okay, but it just has been so long since I’ve gotten my feet wet. Heh. I didn’t want the monster to grow, and I still don’t, but I don’t see myself getting up at 4 AM to get to transition on time.
This summer, I will have to tentatively sketch out the next year of my life. I really do not see myself NOT racing triathlon for another year. I suppose I underestimated the break I must need from it. Maybe (gulp) I need some people with whom I could race, even though I’ll be annoyed along the way. In fact, as soon as a certain person reads this post I know I’m going to hear it. “You should do x and y with me!” And perhaps I should.
I really am unsure how I will know I’m really ready to dive back in (blast these accidental puns). Perhaps it is partial rebellion to having to schedule my life so far in advance. When racing was new, it happened that way because I couldn’t get enough of it. Could I handle a repeat of 2014, logistically speaking? Pretty sure that’s why I am at the chiropractor 3 times a week for now. I couldn’t. Now I must plan wisely in order to avoid injury, manage time well, and stay sane.
I am sure I still have errors to make. Here is hoping that when my triathlon magnet blows up it doesn’t damage the paint.