I’m Not Always Right, But I’m Never Wrong

I stand by this.

By *this,* I mean my decision to start and maintain this blog, as infrequently as I may post. 10 years after my first post, it is more true than ever that I have to be intentional about remembering my wins. Apparently, ‘What Have You Done for Me Lately‘ is how I view myself. It seems like I don’t have ‘Control‘ over my negative unkind ‘Nasty’ thoughts.

Anyhow, it’s never a bad time to reflect upon how I came to live in a ‘Rhythm Nation’.

Why Did I Start Music Lessons? How Did You Choose an Instrument?

One of my mother’s graduate school professors commented on my lithe fingers as a Baby J. They enrolled me in piano lessons when I was 4, and I am told that I got through 3 years of music study before I realized that I had not asked to do it. I guess I was having a good time. 🙂 I am not one to wish I was a child again, but I rather like that this was chosen for me – having confidence in your parents’ discernment is a big deal. The rest has always been up to me, which, again, I rather like.

Who Encouraged You Along the Way? How?

My parents deserve the biggest shout out for not just logistics and finance, but cheerleading. Not just at recitals, but during my daily practice. Successful daily practice enabled the recitals that my extended family, friends, and teachers attended. I cannot think about my music study without thinking about all of the love in my life. It amazes me that people took time out of their day to listen to a child play the piano.

What Experiences Were the Most Impactful?

Dude. Piano Camp. My parents dropped me off at the Indiana University School of Music Piano Academy in 2000 and 3 weeks later, I was a different pianist. It was like a revival – I could not get enough piano and piano literature when I returned home.

I must say that I both live and die by the applause. Losing competitions stick with me more than any that I won – how did it matter that I was talented if others performed better, even in a moment? It’s not as though my parents ever cheered me less, so I can’t say I felt pressure in that sense. That being said, the fact that I didn’t win 100% of the time didn’t make piano study any less wonderful, even if I thought less of my ability to play in relation to others. Thinking about it now, I cannot recall any time I ever thought to myself, “I’m going to practice more so I can win!” Winning was playing the piano well and earning the praise of my piano teachers.

How Has Music Changed Your Life?

I can’t read that question without laughing. It might be easier to share the areas of my life it has not impacted. Music is always there for me – whether I need to dance, sing, cry, play. She is faithful, even when I am not. Having the skill to curate musical experiences for children is incredible. Just this week, I had a child in class have a meltdown when asked to go on the risers – just to sing in class as we often do from our chairs with no additional audience. After class, he ran to me and hugged me, expressing how scared he was to sing. I told him he could come back during another period and try again. I’m tearing up as I recall how he trusted me to be brave enough to sing the music he clearly enjoyed in front of others. I get to help people take chances and discover how amazing music is.

How Did You Decide to Become a Teacher?

The short answer is that I love being a student, and it is impossible to teach (well) without learning. I type this and shake my head at myself, because I regularly lament that I do not know more than I do, even though somehow I understood years ago that I would need get to keep learning if I chose this career path. I would be remiss not to mention that I want to ensure that my students have positive experiences – while the vast majority of my experience as a piano student was positive, it wasn’t until I had a negative one that I thought about teaching. I often think about Coco Gauff’s US Open postgame speech about how her haters thought they were pouring water on her fire when they were really adding gas to it. I never want to put water on anyone’s (healthy) fire. May God forgive me for any time as a teacher I have provided insufficient fuel.

What Do You Want to Carry Forward from Your Story?

I want to let go of my feelings of inadequacy. I was telling my cousin just the other day that I don’t feel like I will have accomplished anything unless I am able to help other professionals, not only students. I know this isn’t true, but – ugh. I want to be a winner. I don’t have to beat anyone per se, but I would like to feel like other teaching professionals respect and can learn from my work. I wonder if I would feel this way had I not attained so much education, but it is what it is. “Woe is me, I am credentialed.” I could just ‘Scream.’

What Do You Want to Leave Behind?

I want people to feel better about themselves while working with me because I helped them be their best selves. I want to leave behind a good time, and I want people to know that I have the keys (I really didn’t do that one on purpose) to a good time.

One more for the road – I want to take people on a musical ‘Escapade.’

Connections

What was said:

“You must be very good at that. I bet the kids all love you. You have the perfect personality for that.”

Who said it:

My piano professor from graduate school.

What I heard:

“Good thing you aren’t teaching privately or performing because I don’t think you would be good at those things.”

Have I mentioned where I am right now?

Professional development has always been a double-edged sword for me. I got into teaching because I wanted to be a lifelong learner and I’m doing it. Teaching and learning. I also would like to be good at it, though. As a teacher, I don’t think I can call myself a good learner if I am not sharing what I am learning effectively. I don’t know what it will take for me to feel like a successful professional, but I don’t usually feel that way. I looked into the hotel mirror and plucked a gray chin hair. Clearly, there’s no longer a place for me at the young professionals’ workshop. I’m losing time!

This is my first MTNA conference since 2019. They had been canceled, and then virtual, until last year, but I was not ready to attend an in-person conference until this school year. PD, while valuable, has just been one. more. thing. At least for me, I have to be in a place where I can absorb information well so I can share it. The last 4 years have been a lot for us all (really the last 8 if you have any interest in the US being a democratic republic), and perhaps I’ve needed more time to process than most. I don’t know if that’s okay, but it is what it is. I took students to the FEMEA Southern Regional Chorus in October, to FMEA All-State Chorus in January, and now I am here, trying to figure out how best I can serve myself and my students. Do I trust God enough to connect with others? Is it possible that I can serve Him better by seeking their help in my professional endeavors?

I’ve found myself reluctantly interacting with people. It would be unfair to call me a cold person, but I definitely am an introvert with a nasty case of imposter syndrome. Why am I here? I don’t have any private students right now, though I do teach group piano at work. I don’t want to open my mouth and then someone learn that I have nothing to offer them. Nightmare fuel. I will say that I’ve run into supportive people, including my professor, a friend from Seattle I was expecting to see, and a friend from my FSU years that I have not seen since 2008! I’ve stepped way out of my comfort zone by sightreading simple duets with a stranger, who was quite helpful in talking about how she set up her business. It’s just so hard for me to put myself out there and be vulnerable, which was literally the first advice I got in my first teaching job out of school – learn to be open. 13 years later, I still struggle.

One reason I know that I am in the right field is because music helps me to be my best self. I get so excited to share music I am less focused on my many imperfections than connecting with the music and the people who made it and who will make it. It’s so incredibly powerful. Maybe instead of dreading networking, I can look forward to connecting with people who are passionate about the same things that I am.

Me: Immediately washes hands after connecting with others