I ran today.
I was supposed to ride, but my hand is bothering me and my massage therapist said that gripping my handlebars could aggravate my hand.
Because I’m a cold-weather p***y, I waited until the afternoon to run. 4:45 PM. A bit later than I intended, but pressing start on my Garmin made me feel proud. Sometimes I surprise myself most simply by getting started. The goal: 4 miles. Twice. A familiar loop I typically enjoy. I often am concerned with whether I will punk out after one loop, as I have before, but I convinced myself that I was a winner for starting and would cross that bridge when I see my car. Heh.
I turned on Tchaikovsky’s 1st piano concerto on my phone and started my warm up walk. I’ve taken to walking 1/10 of a mile and running 9/10 to help break up my long runs mentally. I groaned at first – I hadn’t run more than 6 miles in several weeks and it sure felt like a lot. Then the exposition of the concerto began to come to a climax and I started to get TURNTUP. I think I remembered why I like running. I felt strong for a moment or two, especially on the downhills. Heh.
The first 4 miles were fairly uneventful. I passed my car and grabbed a gel and some water and got on my way again. Then I couldn’t remember if I had locked my car. I started to walk back and realized I had to use the bathroom. The car was SO close to the bathroom, but I knew I would be pissed if I didn’t allow myself to see that I was capable of running 8 miles. I continued, tired though I felt.
By mile 7 my legs were starting to feel very heavy. The words of a spin class instructor still ring in my head. “You can do more than you think.” “Uh. I think I can get back to my car without having to call my mother.” I pressed on.
1. I feel like a punk for needing so much gel, but I need more than one. I am averaging about a 12 minute mile pace for my long runs but I need the goods every 30 minutes or I start to feel tired after an hour. I wish I didn’t feel like gel should be reserved for real athletes, whatever the hell that means.
2. I’m gonna keep going. #WhoKnows2015
Do you ever walk into a gym and think to yourself, “What am I doing here?” Not just that, but also, “What am I doing here?” I am plagued by these thoughts 245 days before the biggest race I will ever have attempted. Moreover, I’m surrounded by people who seem to just train and race like it’s no big deal. “This is what you do. Like breathing.” Well, everyone breathes. Not everyone signs up for a stupid Ironman.
Who am I, Lady J, to be signing up for a race like this? I’m just a human girl who likes to swim, bike, and run a bit. When I tell people that I’ve signed up for this, the reaction is often “omg you’re awesome, I could never do that!” I generally reply, “I’m so normal! If I can, anyone can.” But can I? I suppose anything is possible. I simply see everyone else around me also doing an Iron distance race and they seem so – superhuman. I saw how human I was for the 70.3 and quite frankly, I feel more human and thus fallible now. More is on my plate (tee hee Adonis) and I’m in the midst of learning how to manage. How do I know this wasn’t a bad decision?
Yes. Doing. This Ironman training involves a lot of doing. I feel that I don’t have room to be imperfect for so gigantic a race. I don’t feel like a complete p***y the way I did for St. Anthony’s, or even for Augusta, but I am putting in some long hours at work. I’ve learned quickly in these first 3 weeks of training that if anywhere has little room for error, it is my nutrition and sleep. If I don’t eat right or get the right amount, I can barely get through my workday, much less my training. I am proud that I’ve actually gotten on my bike this month, but I feel as though I’ve missed more days of training than I’ve made.
Maybe I am not a poser. #WhoKnows2015, right? The tricky bit is not beating myself up for not knowing better re: the sleep, nutrition, or even signing up for this mess. What’s done is done. The only thing I’m sure of is that I have room for improvement. I usually do get better at things once I calm the hell down.
Pray for me!
Being honest is difficult for me.
Perhaps it’s because I equate honesty with openness, but I think real honesty makes people uncomfortable. When the Facebook page for this 21 day challenge opened, I had something I immediately wanted to share but I stopped myself.
“Are we allowed to tell the truth?”
I feel that if I were to really say what I am thinking much of the time, the response would be either silence or empty platitudes. It happens every time that I am feeling anything but totally happy – I publish a post and it gets relatively little attention compared to my more triumphant ones, so to speak. This only reinforces my belief that people really aren’t to be trusted unless I am at my best. Why is this the case?
Perhaps it is because weakness makes people very uncomfortable. To see it in a person you may view as strong (not me, clearly) could cause you to question your own strength. Nobody enjoys dwelling on their imperfections, me more than anyone. It’s why going to the gym or reading the Bible can be so disconcerting – you are faced with dealing with where you are, and it may be extremely unpleasant.
If I am honest with myself, there are times I train – physically and spiritually – and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much. I read the posts about Daily Wins and I think – “Welp. I’m still fat. Glad you’re feeling good though!” I have nothing but the faith that what I was doing before wasn’t working and this is something that will bring me closer to where I need to be.
I would rather be honest with myself – and likely by myself – than pretend I’ve got it all together just to put others at ease. Hopefully there’s a pay off in all of this.
Unless it’s breakfast related, it can be really difficult to get me excited about the future. Seriously, I’ve been known to go to bed early so I can partake of “the future” that much sooner. Heh. Anyhow, even this super blessed, had it super easy all her life girl knows that anything can happen. My health is not promised to me, the health of others isn’t promised to me – hell, tomorrow isn’t even promised to me. I thus find it difficult to proclaim that 2015 will be one way or another. I know that amazing things are possible, perhaps even likely, but nothing is guaranteed.
I therefore christen my hashtag of the year to be #WhoKnows2015. I have to do my best today because I don’t know about tomorrow. Not even breakfast. I’m thankful for a God that knows everything from the extremely delicious Fuji Apple I’m planning for tomorrow to what lays ahead for me personally and professionally. It is my hope and prayer that the quest toward the goals I’ve set for myself draw me closer to Him, as I’ve seen that it’s really easy to do the opposite, even when they are healthy goals.
Here’s to taking nothing for granted.
266 days to figure out why the hell I signed up for this business. Probably should know before I get to the starting line. This list should grow often.
1. I’m not disciplined enough to stay healthy without a goal that doesn’t terrify me. Two years ago, the idea of losing 10 pounds and doing a 5k did the trick. Clearly I’ve had to up the meds.
2. I’m not promised anything in the future. I’ve got my health right now. May as well go big with it.
3. I’ve witnessed how it’s made other people around me stronger.
4. I get to grow with and toward some really amazing people.
5. Some annoying people will test me and that will help me become stronger as well.
6. I am curious to see how good of a swimmer, cyclist, and runner live in me. By following Coachie’s plan I will get to see all of those things.
7. I will have to ask for so much help. Anything that forces me to my knees is good for my proud ass.
8. I can eat a lot of food!
9. I am told I am stronger than I think.
10. It is highly likely that in 2016 my focus will change from becoming an Ironman to becoming an Ironmom. That’s pretty much the realest ish ever.
11. I am not usually a quitter.
I’m challenging myself to 21 days of clean eating because –
1. I can do better for my body than I am right now.
2. I am anticipating the most active year of my life and am going to put my body under a lot of stress. The less weight I have on me, figuratively and literally, the better.
3. It is good for me to do things that I am not sure I can do.
4. Though this seems to conflict directly with #3, when I did this 2 years ago it worked really well.
5. My pants will feel better.
6. It will feel good to set a goal and achieve it. Even better than this French toast tastes right now. Barely, but every bit counts.
7. It will bring me closer to people who are working toward the same goal.
How I will define success:
Because I said previously that I will not weigh myself until the end of the month, I will define success by my following of the plan. If I do what it says and feel physically and mentally stronger, I win. If I don’t, I don’t.
My 5 Affirmations:
1 – 4: You do not have to be perfect. Spoken louder each time, perhaps sung by the final repetition.
5. You are not alone.
My Reward at the end of 3 weeks:
Three wishes from a genie. I don’t know!!
There’s a chick who already made it into my Notable Hashtag list and I’m mad that I don’t have a nickname for her yet. I’ve seen her twice. Maybe she can be #twotime. I have a feeling she’s gonna be important as I train this year.
That is all.
Says the girl who is eating like it’s Mardi Gras before her training plan starts. Heh.
Lady J is resolving to do the following:
1. This one is the most important. I know whatever comes below will be executed imperfectly. I resolve to give myself the freedom to be imperfect without beating myself up.
2. To start saving more regularly for my retirement, aka only working 20 hours a week. I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility for me to fall over at a piano lesson in my 90s. Poor kid.
3. To put mostly good things into my body to fuel all the things I demand of it.
4. To embrace rather than curse my vulnerability.
5. To put at least 15 minutes a day into housework. (I skipped yesterday and will do 30 today. Heh).
6. To ask for help before the last minute. Even the last two minutes would be better.
7. To lose a currently undefined amount of weight before my first triathlon of the season. This weight is undefined because I refuse to weigh myself before the end of this month. I’m going to make good choices and let the numbers take care of themselves, for now.
8. To do more rigorous study of the Bible.
9. To find ways to save money despite being a teacher AND triathlete.
10. To be a “thermostat” and not a “thermometer.” I was watching a church service on television and the pastor was saying that many people are thermometers, in that they just measure the temperature of their circumstance. A thermostat, in contrast, sets the temperature. I want to be a positive force, regardless of what the circumstance is.