I aggravated an injury today. And I’m thrilled to death about it.
You see, today marks my 2nd bloggerversary, which means it is my 3rd raceaversary! You know how important writing and racing are to me? My phone doesn’t even autocorrect fake words like raceaversary anymore. I find it incredible that I am still going. If you are a reader of my blog, you might find it incredible that I find it incredible, because I write with (what I feel is) great passion. I just didn’t think that I would stick with it based on my previous history.
You know what the best part of my raceaversary is? The fact that not everything has been wonderful. I jacked up my ankle on my little 2 mile run today. I can’t say that I would have run if not for my raceaversary. I was, and am, quite tired. I feel huge from my honeymoon. I returned to work today. There is much to be done in our new home. I know that in order to be strong for my new life, I have to bear some things that I don’t want to, like hot runs or angry ankles.
While I didn’t particularly enjoy the run today, I love that I did it. It means that I am a runner under any circumstance. I am able to get through (even seemingly) unpleasant things and see the good in them. If I hadn’t run today – if I hadn’t ever started running – who knows if I would have ever discovered that?
Lord willing, I have many more steps to take. I am not sure how any of them will go. I know He is with me and because of that, I can move forward with great hope.
Happy Raceaversary to MEEEEE!
The times are a-changin, baby. ‘Had to make a good playlist for what HAD to be a good race. It’s my last one as a single lady!
Today’s goal: pace of 11:10. My last 10k several weeks prior had been 11:40, so 11:10 seemed to be a reasonable pace to chase. I set my watch to yell at me if I went faster than 10:55 and slower than 11:25. I kissed my fiancé goodbye (for the last time! tee hee) and found a place in the starting corral.
After my obligatory tearing up at a start line, I turned on my music as I crossed the timing mat. The weather was cool – perfect for race day. My watched beeped at me. “10:50,” it read. Oh, self. Slow down. Don’t get caught up in the hype. But I just felt so good! “Ehhhhh. Let’s see how mile one goes!” Unwise, I know. But what’s the worse that could happen? It’s 6.2 miles.
Mile one passed. I checked my heart rate. It wasn’t yelling at me. What the hell, let’s just keep going. I trailed this chick with red hair and we took turns passing each other. She became my buddy, unbeknownst to her.
By the end of mile 5, my watch was yelling at me for my heart rate. “This is a race!” I said to my watch. I ignored it and pushed toward the finish line. By the time it came into view, I felt like my heart was going to bust out of my chest. Perfect.
After I crossed, I checked my watch. 10:40 min/mile! Whaaaaat that means like, I’m a runner or something. I did better than I expected and now 3M is going to help me PR my 10k for my next race! Maybe there’s hope for me after all…
The good old days.
2014, y’all. PRs just seemed to drop from the freaking sky. I was cut and loving life, doing things I never had thought were possible. Maintaining weight loss. Running. Triathlon. Not dying doing any of those things. And then it happened.
Apparently, if you keep doing something, you don’t stay a beginner. This is where it gets tricky. I had anticipated my “fall from grace” in the year of my great accomplishment and wondered if I would enjoy racing anymore once it stopped being “easy.” I am thrilled – and relieved – to report that running and racing still make me very happy. Red Rocket and I are taking a break so I do not anticipate returning to triathlon in the near future, but it is NOT because I am scared of not accomplishing what I once did. I just don’t get enough pleasure for me to go through all the business at this present time.
In 2015, the only races in which I achieved PRs were freebies – you know, a distance or event you’ve yet to do. Remember that time Adonis made me run a trail? Or that other time he made me climb over and crawl under stuff? That MUST mean the party is over, right?
Don’t be silly. I am incredibly thankful that I have gotten some important lessons from racing that I have been able to apply to both my musical life (you don’t have to be the best to have a damned good time) and will apply to my married life (it’s not always going to be easy but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun).
Thank God the honeymoon is over. I now have the privilege of discovering how to be at peace, regardless of my circumstances. I STILL get to run and learn what my best is, now without the fear of what happens when I “fail.” Been there, run that!
“Hey. Don’t say too much. You write well. I don’t want you to make me look bad.”
My college roommate and long time friend recently had her wedding and sang at her reception. Her voice is to be envied, for sure. I wasn’t thinking of her voice, though – my mind was on her ovaries. The chutzpah she had to share her feelings in song was what I was really envying. Could I do that?
Then I remembered.
I’m getting married. My ovaries are crazy huge.
Why else would I sign up for a race where the only God-ordained finish is someone’s death? I don’t get to write a post-nuptial report unless I am mourning the loss of my best friend! Pretty sure WordPress doesn’t work from heaven if I go first. I shall do updates from the course, of course, of this ultra in which speed is not of the essence.
This is one of those things that I have to do because I only have one chance to do it and I do not want regret being a punk. My singing is my preface to the words I will say to Adonis tomorrow.
I knew I had to sing to you today. I knew I had to do it because of the promises I am making to you. I am promising to take risks with you and for you. I am promising to give you my absolute best, however imperfect. I am promising to find and focus on the beauty in our now collaborative effort.
How remarkable is it that I am standing before you, the one whom my soul loves. I am so thankful that God has brought you to me. You help me to be strong and courageous. I know you are the one for me because I understand how God loves me better than I did before. You reflect His love and my life is now warmer than I ever could have imagined.
I sang that I was lost, now I’m free. Because of you, I feel free to trust in God more than I have. I am free to love in ways I did not know I could. I am free to share myself and become one with you. Thank you for pointing me to the true source of that freedom. May I love, honor and cherish you for all my life.
Here we go!
We are no longer counting months, weeks, or days. My name will be hyphenated in a matter of HOURS. I’ve already been chastened by each of my parents about ways they think I can be a better wife to Adonis. Yikes.
Though I hate being reminded of places where I need work, I am thankful that I will never be too old for my parents to rebuke me. I am confident that I will be continually redirected on a path that will bring God glory. Moreover, it feels good to know that they support our union – Lord knows that if they did not, they would be telling me to run instead of helping me to do better.
Over the past month, I have feared many things. Have I made the right decision? Will I lose myself? Am I good enough? These kinds of questions have haunted me in many contexts in the past but of course, never so intensely as it’s been. They are another marker of a consistent pattern of a lack of faith, both in God and in myself. I’ve expressed to Adonis that my greatest fear is being critical toward him the way I am critical toward myself. It frightens me that even though I can pinpoint the way in which I am most likely to chip away at our relationship, I find myself being critical in ways that he simply does not deserve. I am making the same mistake with Adonis that I’ve made with myself for so many years – not looking at him through God’s eyes.
Tonight is the last night that I will put my single self to sleep. With her, I hope I can retire my tendency to focus on the wrong things. A lot of people are pretty bloody negative, especially about marriage and relationships. It is my fervent prayer that I will no longer be conformed to this world but be transformed by the continual renewing of my mind. May I not resist the prodding of the Holy Spirit. It is only through Him that I have any hope of being good to him. 😎