The Last Temptation of Lady J

Christ is risen! Truly He is risen!

Holy Saturday started better than it ended. I began the day by doing my final weigh in of Lent – my fasting resulted in a total of 17 pounds lost. Losing weight without giving up carbs? Nobody can tell me God isn’t real. It was much easier to give thanks to God with a result like that than the one I had had two and a half weeks prior. May I give Him the glory throughout my journey and look to Him for strength and courage even when it appears I am not progressing.

I feel even more enthusiastic about fasting than when I first began. Though we are now fast free for ten days, I do not wish to return to my pre-Lenten mindset of indifference. Perhaps I would feel differently if I were not trying to lose weight, but why would I purposely eat more than I should? Because I can? A healthy body can help a healthy attitude and that is not a cycle I wish to break.

After getting my hair done, I met a friend for brunch. I enjoyed an oat milk cortado, oolong tea, and some delicious Brussels sprouts. I never want to forget how satisfying those sprouts were. I requested vegan preparation so the ricotta was left off. A simple lemon vinaigrette was all that was needed to delight me. I hope to live much of my life in this manner – how little does it take to make me happy? That is what I should seek.

I went to the store to pick up the ground lamb with which I intended to break my fast. I returned home to Little One, who had expressed the night prior that she wants to have a plant based diet. “Meat wastes water!” “Even if people are consuming the meat?” I asked. “I think so,” she replied confidently. I asked her if she would be participating in tonight’s meal. “Welllllll…” Hah! Don’t misunderstand – I, too, support eating in a manner that is more sustainable, but I am but one Lady J. While I do not wish to make unethical food choices, I am choosing to focus on changing myself. I think Christ’s words still apply – what comes out of me should be my concern. Fasting has been a means to an end, not the end. Pious eaters are annoying as hell regardless of diet, amirite?

I seasoned the lamb, baked the pita bread, watched the Kentucky Derby with a glass of water instead of coconut mojito (rum > bourbon), and attempted a nap before the resurrection service. It is a service I had yet to attend and I was pretty pumped about it. I had shared with my friend at brunch that I knew I was in a good place because I was more excited about church than the spanakopita and lamb that would await me after.

I arrived a few minutes early to church and it was nearly full. I found my preferred seat and settled in. It. Was. Dark.

I knew the lights would come on at midnight, but man.

The symbolism and organization of the Orthodox church continually amaze me. 9.5/10 only because the darkness meant I could not follow along with my Holy Week book. It is much easier for me to engage with any church service when I am reading along; I have found that my mind otherwise tends to wander. I prayed for focus. I was distracted by whispering people, crying children, you name it. I prayed for patience but I was not finding it. As the candles that represent the light of Christ were passed around, I found a glimmer of joy. I allowed it to be snuffed out by the whisperers nearby. I wished for a quieter environment with which to experience the most important moment of the church year.

The priest led us outside to proclaim Christ’s resurrection to the world, where we would sing Christos Anesti (Christ is Risen) and hold our candles. The vast majority of people were not singing. I tried to hang out by the choir so I could see their music but too many of them were not wearing their masks properly. When I found a place I felt physically safe, people around me were chatting. I have the spirit of an old church Auntie, and I’m confident that if I were Greek I would have been shushing people left and right. Not prepared to be the masked black woman who is telling people how to behave properly at “their” church.

I couldn’t wait to get out of there, and that made me sad.

I returned home to Pete and the Little One, who were wrapping up dinner. The lamb was terrific but I found myself too full for the spanakopita, so that would have to wait until Easter morning. I went to bed feeling a mix of joy and guilt.

I awoke around 9 am to read my devotional. Turns out St. John Chrysostom had a message just for Lady J from his Paschal Homily –

Whosoever is a devout lover of God, let him enjoy this beautiful bright Festival. And whosoever is a grateful servant, let him joyously enter into the joy of his Lord. And if any be weary with fasting let him now receive his reward. If any has toiled from the first hour let him receive his just debt. If any came after the third let him gratefully celebrate. If any arrived after the sixth, let him not doubt; for he too shall sustain no loss. If any have delayed to the ninth, let him come without hesitation. If any arrived only at the eleventh hour, let him not be afraid by reason of his delay; for the Master is gracious and receives the last even as the first. He gives rest to him who arrives at the eleventh hour, as well as him, who has labored from the first. He is merciful to the one who delays and nourishes the first. He gives also to the one, and to the other He is gracious. He accepts the works, as He greets the endeavor, He honors the deed, and the intent He commends.

Yikes.

I would not be surprised if St. John Chrysostom had the parable of the vineyard from the Gospel of Matthew in mind as he wrote that. To my mind, the talkers and half-maskers are late to the game. I’m feeling indignation when I should be focused on what I am doing. The owner of the vineyard definitely didn’t promise that the other workers would be great people – just that I would get my denarius, ya know? How awful would it be if unintentionally, my behavior was like theirs – I could be doing something another person finds distracting and impeding with their worship. Gulp.

I hate that I am glad Holy Week is over, not because the lamb was great but because the classless Christmas/Easter folks will go back into their holes for 8 months. I should be thinking about how I can be serving and help enable their return. If I can return to church and be changed, certainly anyone can. Who served and helped to reach me? I’ve maintained for a long time that church is great except for the people, but I understand that that is truly not the case. I have greatly benefited from the hard work of those committed to advancing Christ’s kingdom on earth, and I want to work more, too. To many, I may be coming at the 11th hour, looking for my denarius.

May God continue to reorient my heart toward Him and love others. Even the annoying ones. Especially the annoying ones. I may or may not have a plank in my eye, not sure. What I do know? Christ is Risen. There is hope, even for Lady J.

Heart Dis-ease

Two weeks to Pascha. Five weeks of fasting. It’s been quite a journey. A few things have happened since my last post.

I hit the weight loss plateau I was expecting. When I weighed myself for the third time since the fast began, my weight was unchanged, down to the tenth of a pound, from 10 days prior. It was fitting for my mood, because I have been feeling pretty low. The fast has protected me from what might be a typical reaction of deciding not to care about what I’m eating again because hey, it’s not making a difference, right? Breaking the fast to abuse myself does not seem worth the regret I would have. Even if I were to somehow regain what I’ve lost in the next two weeks – which is highly unlikely! – I can call committing to maintaining a mostly vegan diet (shellfish is allowed, I’m not a cheater!) for seven weeks and sticking to it a sure victory.

Small changes have been adding up – on the inside. I have been reading the daily Orthodox church readings. I am working my way through the Gospels and noticing things I never have. Perhaps most shockingly, I can’t wait to go back to physical church. I have been praying more. When I am frustrated with a person, I have even (sometimes! which is more than never, like before) been lifting that person up to the Lord. Like right now – Pete made a comment about how my cooling lentils smell “different.” He sucks for that. I told him so. Then I prayed for him. 🙂 King Solomon wrote about my attitude sometimes – I think my food smells great but whatever. Anyway, I am hoping I soften enough to offer him some. He knows where to get meat. So there’s that.

I started strength training again. I actually am sticking with it fairly consistently – I don’t think I have missed more than 2 days in a row since I picked up a 30 day challenge from a site that The Mentor recommended to me. I cuss at the TV for 30 minutes and then I look forward to doing it again the next day. Even though I am mad at myself and it is hard to feel hope for my body, I know that it is not productive to do things that are not edifying. Moving more and eating less are good – the opposite is not.

Finally – I want to share my only workout secret. Whenever I want to turn off the TV and give up, I just remind myself that whatever workout I’m doing is much easier than loving my neighbor. That manmaker move is actually a day at the beach compared to loving my enemies if I am to be completely honest. I am looking forward to my next race when I am tempted to walk and imagine having to interact with someone who still hasn’t learned to wear a mask properly. I would much rather be running as fast as I can – maybe I can even pretend to be running away from people who are going to ask something of me!

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner – I’m trying!

I keep trying to tell y’all that not eating meat is much much easier than even considering being close as these two in this icon.

Me, but (a) Faster

We are now three weeks into Orthodox Lent and I’m still having a good time! Let’s talk about wins and observations –

Win #1: Temperance.

I think fasting has already had an effect on my portion control. I am eating what I like but eating less of it. For instance, I tapped into my Jamerican millennial-ness and made an ackee and spinach pizza last night. Typically, I would have made it a single serving, but I was full after half and finished the remainder for lunch today.

Win #2: Valuation.

I would like to use this space to offer a formal apology to fruits and vegetables. I thought I had given you proper credit for all you bring to the table, and I was wrong. Special recognition goes to chickpeas and parsley, which I am sorry to say I took for granted for many years. Not once have I felt unsatisfied after a meal in the last three weeks – that should probably be a clue.

Win #3: Perspective.

I am not dieting. I am fasting. This is much better than dieting, because I don’t feel like I am depriving myself of anything. It really may seem semantic, but it absolutely is not. I can eat some of Pete’s cheese anytime I like, or thaw some of the chicken in the freezer for some fried drummies, but choosing not to do so is incredibly powerful. If I can both identify and tame my passions, I can be a better Christian. Food is a logical way to practice this discipline. Feeling a connection to Orthodox faithful is more meaningful than some gym challenge to me.

Win #4: Numbers.

I am thankful that the equation of eating less plus moving more has equaled weight loss. Moreover, on my watch it appears my heart rate is a bit lower. God knows I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping this would be an outcome of the Lenten fast. I know how weight loss works and eventually I will plateau, but I am praying to be able to give God glory no matter what, especially if I am eating thoughtfully.

Observation #1: What happens after?

Honestly, Lent is the easy part. It’s like the honeymoon phase of this new eating relationship. What happens when any relationship turns sour? I don’t seek the Holy Trinity but the Dynamic Duo – Ben and Jerry, naturalmente. I have to keep programming myself to take one day at a time and make one good decision at a time.

Observation #2: Triggered

Pete has decided he’s had enough of my vegan dinners. He went to Culver’s just now and returned with a chocolate shake, double butter burger, and fries. Though fries are not prohibited, taking one did not seem in the spirit of what I am trying to do. The purpose of Lent is to develop healthy habits and now is the time to practice saying no to spontaneous things. “All things are permissible, but not all things are profitable,” said mah dude Apostle Paul.

Observation 3: What I miss

Meat is good. Cheese is fabulous. Eggs are fantastic. Fish can be great fun. What do I spend the most time thinking about? The booze I have tucked away. I. Miss. Drinking. After returning to Jamaica I got into a habit of having a nightcap – a cocktail, a glass of wine, something- before bed. While alcohol is allowed on the weekends, the fact that I miss that more than anything else is a red flag that it should remain tucked away until Easter. Although cognac comes from grapes which means Hennessy is like vegetables, right? Morning smoothie?

I’ve noticed that I’ve got a few new followers – thanks for reading! Know that I have said a prayer for you – we are all going through life, struggling in our own way. May you never feel alone! If you feel moved to do so, please pray for Lady J, too. 🙂

Not So Fast

I have an announcement! Not as big as the one as Gabriel made to Mary, or when the Greeks had had enough of Ottoman occupation, but important nonetheless.

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Uh. I accidentally ate dairy on Thursday. All because I was trying to be a good wife!

Because the Feast of the Annunciation occurs during Lent, fish is allowed. Greeks traditionally eat cod and a garlic dip. I find a recipe for the garlic dip, whatever, and it calls for bread. Did I think to check that the bread had butter in it? Whoops! It made it difficult for me to enjoy, although it wasn’t like I added butter or milk to the dip. Really, it’s more upsetting that Pete only ate it once and forgot about it. Everything is the husband’s fault, ask Adam.

This weekend marks the first time I’ve felt how this fast is going to get tricky. I don’t feel deprived of the foods from which I am abstaining per se, but frankly, the world just makes it easier to have those foods, and sometimes I don’t want to have to think so creatively. I am thinking that my lunches are going to be very simple, which is fine, but I’m scared of dinner. I absolutely hate meal prep, and what I perceive to be challenging will be eating enough so that I am not tempted. Have you ever said to yourself that you would happily eat well if someone else prepared it for you? That’s where I know I could be.

Lent is about deprogramming and reprogramming – Christ is what fills me, not food! I was watching a Russian Orthodox nun on YouTube and she stated that disciple and discipline have the same root word – I cannot be as an effective a disciple if I am not disciplined with the body God gave me. Predictably, I am less likely to exercise that discipline when I am tired.

Prayers needed for proper rest, focus, and exercise! 5 weeks to Pascha!

No Brag, Just Fact

¹⁶ “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. ¹⁷ But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, ¹⁸ so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Matthew 6:16-18 (NIV)

Καθαρά Δευτέρα (Clean Monday) was a week ago, which means Joanie hasn’t had cheese or booze since Forgiveness Sunday! I know it’s early BUT. I am having fun lol! The “worst part” so far is that I missed out on the kite flying – apparently that is a Greek Clean Monday tradition. I have wanted to be careful not to pursue the fast as *just* a diet; who cares how great I look or feel if I am not spiritually sound, ya know? My normal relationship with food can be abusive, frankly, and cutting out categories really is forcing me to examine it. The most observant of Orthodox eat this way throughout the year on Wednesdays and Fridays and it seems there is something to it – when I think of how my life may look different if 2 days out of every week, I were being physically and spiritually purposeful with my eating all year long, it is difficult to see how I would not be better off.

Aside from the fast, I’ve committed to reading my Bible regularly and attending church either online or in person, depending on how crowded it is. I’ve been talking with my husband about my experience but I find that I wish I were more comfortable sharing it with others; moreover, I wish I had an Orthodox GF to help encourage me. Am I violating the spirit of Matthew 6 by talking about the fast? I am not dieting per se – I am restricting my eating for a spiritual purpose of developing discipline and it’s a cool experience to take time to see how I normally make choices about what goes into my body. Am I fasting wrong because it doesn’t suck? I myself have trashed the idea of vegan spanakopita in the past but it was delicious! I had some killer cherry tomatoes yesterday as a late snack. There’s so much I don’t know or understand!

Daddy is an avid watcher of Westerns. He often compliments himself and says, “no brag, just fact!” Apparently that’s a reference from The Guns of Will Sonnett. It is a perfect description of my first week of Lent – I am examining myself the best way I know how and I am reflecting on what I’m feeling – it’s not too bad! I’m doing things I really should be doing more, and my heart has a long way to go. One of the ways I know this is because the idea of making a new friend right now sounds absolutely like a heavier lift than I’m willing to undertake. I suppose I have things to offer others and THAT is more than I am willing to give at the moment. Maybe I suck, I dunno. Good thing there are still six weeks to go!

Yeah so seven weeks of a vegan diet is way easier than this…

I Must Confess

Well. Miss Baptist Lady J did something today she never thought she would do. In.👏 A.👏 Church.👏

I received the sacrament of confession!

You know how it is. The Protestants are all like “blah blah blah it’s just me and Jesus, intermediary this, absolution that WHATEVER.” Having grown up in that tradition, I understand the reflex, but as the wifey of an Orthodox Christian, I’ve had the opportunity of coming to God in a new way. This past November, I was pleasantly surprised to receive a bag at my door with a devotional and journal for the Nativity (that’s right, not Christmas, the Nativity). Orthodoxy has enabled me to appreciate Christmas in a way that does not drain me. I’ve written in this space that thinking of gifts is very little in comparison to the social obligations that come with the holiday season, and observing Advent has helped me to focus on what I should be – the coming of Christ and preparing my heart. I remember feeling sad when Epiphany came and went because the season that I was experiencing with joy was over. I wrote in a letter to my church that it was legitimately the best Christmas I had had since 1994, when I awakened to find a new bicycle under my tree.

2020 was a *year* for most people, and I am no exception. I have eaten and drunk my quarantine feelings, thankfully avoiding the virus myself despite other family getting it, watching people from afar get Covid-19, dealing with death of family members. I have been harboring bitterness and I feel my physical weight is a reflection of my emotional weight. I’ve been looking forward to the Lenten fast. While I have given up things like eating out or alcohol in the past, I have never tried to fast like the Orthodox during any fasting period. I understand that the purpose of the fast is not to lose weight, but I am sincerely hoping that being thoughtful about my food intake will bring me closer to both spiritual and physical health.

March 14 is Forgiveness Sunday, and as the calendar has approached I’ve thought, I’ve got to get it together. I should not ask God to forgive me perpetually if I am not doing the same. Our church bulletin had some ideas on how to prepare for confession, and I’m reading over this list thinking to myself – maybe I would save the priest some time if I just talked about the sins I haven’t committed. I maintain that nothing is harder than loving your neighbor – the ones who still don’t wear masks properly, the ones who insist Covid isn’t a big deal, the ones who would be fine with America resembling apartheid South Africa with permanent white minority rule. I can’t control that foolishness, but I can control myself and my attitude, and frankly, it probably isn’t good that part of me is going to be sad when herd immunity is reached because that means I won’t have an excuse to duck social activities any longer.

When I walked into the church for the first time in over a year, I was shocked at my reaction. Tears came to my eyes as I looked at the icons in this holy space. It was like I was being welcomed home. Father explained to me how confession would work, and I then faced the icon of Jesus and prayed for an attitude shift and forgiveness of my unbelief. I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that I wasn’t sure how effective today’s exercise would be, but all I know is that what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working and it was safe to say that it was unlikely that talking with my priest would be harmful. We talked about a lot of things and he came to the story of the Prodigal Son. You should click on it because reading the Bible is good, but in case you come across this blog post in a lazy mood and don’t know the story, a father with great wealth has two sons and one of them is like, hey, gimme my inheritance now, he gets it, and he squanders it. Meanwhile, the other son is dutifully working for his father. The idiot son is like – hey I’m an idiot. I should go back to my Dad, who sees his formerly ungrateful son from afar and throws him a party. Meanwhile, responsible son is like DUDE. I’ve been awesome. Where’s my party? Only idiots get parties? The Dad says that they totally have to celebrate that the idiot has realized that he is an idiot and has plans to stop being an idiot.

Then there’s Lady J. I definitely have older son vibes. Apologize to me? I may hear it, assent to it, but really I’m thinking to myself – why were you an idiot in the first place? You should have known better. Let’s be real. The idiot son should have known better. BUT. Am I not the idiot son pretty much daily in my relationship to God? Or in ways I may not even realize with others? So here I am, just mad that the undeserving are getting parties when meanwhile, I’m in the middle of my own party I’m not appreciating. Yikes. How many ways can I sin AT ONCE – I must be gifted. Heh.

So yeah. My heart is a bit softer than when I left the house this morning. Here I was, thinking that I wouldn’t be anywhere that excited me more than Total Wine, but you know what? The peace that came over me as I entered the church building was unreal. On Sunday, I am looking forward to hiding my TW stash at my parents’ house for safekeeping for the Lenten fast and then driving to church for the Forgiveness Vespers. I have been humbled even since I’ve returned home – I looked at the checklist that I committed to doing over the course of Lent and I ALREADY had forgotten that I had checked off “go to Forgiveness Vespers.” My prodigal a** did the checklist just THIS MORNING.

Soft heart. Hopefully with a side of less soft abs. I’m coming back, Jesus. ❤

I’m legit fatter than this unsuspecting calf right now.

It’s always the Mother’s fault: Lenten Tribulation

1. This one is the most important. I know whatever comes below will be executed imperfectly. I resolve to give myself the freedom to be imperfect without beating myself up.

“Hey, Mom,” I used to query, shamefully not too long ago. “I didn’t ask to be here, right?” “No, you didn’t,” she would reply. “Your father and I wanted to have you.” “So!” I said triumphantly. “If I do anything wrong, it’s YOUR fault, because I would not have done it had you not had me.” She would shake her head at me and I would laugh maniacally. I mean, it makes sense! I couldn’t leave dirty dishes in the sink if I didn’t exist to put them there! 

Of course, even then I understood such passing of the buck was terribly evasive. My conscience is generally as tender as my mind is sharp. I truly believe one of the reasons I don’t handle criticism very well is because I am constantly raking myself over coals. By the time another person tells me something that needs work, I’ve probably told myself the same a million times. If I make a bad decision, I likely know it is a bad one, ‘wretched Lady J that I am.’

I like to think I am spending the time between now and getting my glorified body (just think of how fast I’ll be able to run in Heaven!) becoming more like Christ – minimizing the bad decisions as much as humanly possible. This sanctification business is no joke, y’all. The Holy Spirit has a LOT of work to do in my life. Today’s shortcoming: how I treat my body. In an effort to do better for myself, I’ve given up eating out for Lent. It’s not just about eating better (though important) or even saving money (races aren’t free) but what’s required for me in order to not eat out.

I’ve got to plan. And I hate that. 

I could wax eloquently here about why I think this is the case, but I’m basically your garden variety, boundary hating sinner. I’ve had to adjust my bedtime. Cook more. Plan my shopping. I have met a fair amount of success, for I feel better physically and am learning valuable things about planning, not to mention praying for patience

Then there was the Mother. 

Not my dear mother. A mother. A longtime friend! She’s moving to Italy for a few years and I will not see her unless I see her tonight. We love to eat. Naturally, she suggests we meet for a meal. Dilemma. 

I agreed because of my initial reaction. I didn’t think, ooooo, opportunity to cheat! It was more like, hmm, should I really do this? I wasn’t looking forward to it, aside from seeing her. Moreover, I didn’t care to make her seeing me extra work for her, though I don’t think she and her family would have minded. I  am not out to make some point on how great a Lenter I am. 

My burger didn’t have enough cheese. 

I told my own mother about it later and she teased me. “What kind of sacrifice is that?! How can you say you are committed?” I’m sure she knew I had already asked myself that but couldn’t resist. You know how moms are. I don’t feel great physically or mentally, nor do I feel good about going back to real life tomorrow. I might if I felt healthier or skinnier but right now it’s as though eating out doesn’t really make a difference. My shirt didn’t look that great at 6 PM. It doesn’t look so hot at 9:50. What did I lose? I suppose that misses the point, though. Discipline is discipline and I know that even if I were to gain a billion pounds between now and Easter, I would have done so doing the right thing and committing to do better for my body. 

Not even the sweet potato fries I had earlier are as sweet as God’s grace.



On Sucking and Vacuums

I had the privilege of reconnecting with a friend from college recently. God is still using my girl Cut Short to touch my life and grow closer to Him; Mom2ECR is pictured between me and Cut Short, who is on the far left. 

After posting the above picture, I was inspired to see what was up with Mom2ECR. After catching up a bit, I shared my blog with her and was pleasantly surprised to learn she is keeping a blog herself. Something she wrote really resonated with me: 

Therefore, for Lent, I have decided to focus on the pursuit of something rather than the giving up something. Not that I will not be giving things up, but rather that I will keep the purpose of why I am fasting in mind. 

You should totes check out her blog to find out what precedes “therefore.” 

Lent is funny. Religion, generally speaking, is funny. I have often said that everyone is religious in his or her own way; the only difference in how or what we choose to worship. It is very easy to go through any tradition somewhat mindlessly, and religion is fraught with opportunities for ignorance. Some people dismiss religion for this reason, but I believe that the bad things about it are often systemic because people suck, not because religion does.

I say this to say that in my experience, the idea of giving up something for Lent can be very superficial. “I give up Coke!” Okay, maybe you don’t have Coke for 40 days. Your pancreas is grateful, I’m sure. But then what? The day after Easter you go back to life as it was? I don’t say that to minimize the effort that it took to fast from something for that time, especially if it was difficult. I don’t believe it’s my place to judge any fellow Christian for what, if, or how they choose to give up something, but what is the real point of doing so in the first place? If you are giving up something that is bad for you, shouldn’t logic dictate you probably shouldn’t be doing it the other 325 days of the year? 

That’s just it, though. We do suck at both doing things that are bad for us OR not doing things that are good for us. Like the Apostle Paul writes here: 

For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. (‭Romans‬ ‭7‬:‭19‬ NIV)

I think this catches everything, from how we treat our neighbor to what we choose to put in our body. We don’t just get to give up the Coke if we want to fast successfully. There must be something in place with which to replace it. Does Diet Coke count? Well, only the person fasting knows if that’s moving them toward Christ or not. I do know that nature abhors a vacuum. It is pretty difficult, if not impossible, to give up something without replacing it with something else. If I say that I’m going to give up being a jerk to my neighbor, I need to figure out how I’m going to treat my neighbor better. I can say with great confidence that the God I serve would not be pleased if I settled for indifference toward my neighbor as opposed to active malice. 

Paul writes earlier in his epistle to the Romans that all have fallen short of God’s glory. I fall short every day. It is impossible for me to lament on the state of humanity without first lamenting on my own state. Then I have to be careful not to be proud of my humility! This Christian walk business is no joke. I am thankful that my sanctification is a process and that Christ chose to die for me despite knowing what I am capable of. The Holy Spirit is working in me to remove my suck, but not without replacing it with the contrasting good quality. 

He’s pretty busy. 



Mardi Gras

Does anyone else find it terribly inconvenient to go buck wild on a school night?

Buck wild: (adj) – to go to bed past 9:30 PM, perhaps in conjunction with the enjoyment of a few slices of pizza.

My dictionary isn’t the most thrilling. But I digress.

Protestant Christian that I am, this former Catholic school girl has observed Lent for many years. This season in the Christian calendar is meant to commemorate the time
Christ spent in the wilderness being tempted. The sacrifice one makes, ideally, should force a person to lean on God more. For instance, I wouldn’t give up going to the movies because I never do that. However, choosing something to sacrifice that will take the wonder working power of the Holy Spirit to do will indeed prepare my heart to observe the awesomeness that is Christ’s resurrection.

Last year, I gave up negative self-talk. I realized I couldn’t do this alone by the day after Ash Wednesday, hah! It dawned on me that not loving myself was breaking the 2nd of Christ’s commandments as recorded in the Gospel of Matthew: love your neighbor as yourself. I learned I was treating my neighbors MUCH better than I was treating myself. It was kind of nice being nice to me. Of course, human that I am, I have relapsed, but I don’t think I am quite as bad as I was before I first started. I am more forgiving of the fact that I consistently need forgiveness.

This year, I am finding that I am having trouble putting the best fuel in my body. Not necessarily because I crave crap all of the time, but because I would rather eat poorly than do the planning it takes to give myself the best. I believe it is more of my negative attitude that is problematic than the actual eating poorly. Outwardly, I may be giving up eating out and junk food, but it is really going to require that I work on my resentment toward structure in order to make this happen. I’ve often wondered how doing something good for yourself can be termed “sacrificial” if you stand to reap great benefits from doing so. I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that attitudes like that are part of what nailed Christ to the cross.

I’m embracing the opportunity to grow this Lenten season – toward Christ and others as I seek strength for this challenge. At least, now that I had some cake in the teacher’s lounge. Can’t win them all.