Did you know that eating right can be a moral hazard? Like it can make you loose in other parts of your life?
I’ve noted that as I’ve completed 25% of the challenge, I have not been doing quite so well in other areas of my life. It’s as though I have a problem with doing so much good; that good decision making is some sort of zero-sum game. “I’m eating well and taking care of my body so that means I can be less disciplined with my finances” or whatever else. It’s weird, but not really. If you ever have used food as a reward and you are not using it any longer, it makes sense that you would replace it with something else.
I wrote earlier about how I am a sucker for extrinsic rewards. This isn’t quite the same, but simply another indicator of how I’m just a baby in a 30 year old’s body. Apparently, I deserve some sort of reward for doing something I should be doing anyhow. Shouldn’t thinking of my pristine future bloodwork results be enough? But is this really so bad? To spend some money spontaneously when I’ve met all my obligations? Why can’t I just do perfectly all around, though?
In short – I suppose that the emotional weight we put on ourselves is heavier than any physical mass we are working to take off.
Not happening. That’s good race money.
So here I am, dissatisfied with my current weight. I had been so proud of myself that I no longer thought of all the cupcakes and cookies at work as tempting. Now that I’m consciously working to weigh less, EVERYTHING is taunting me. It is as though I am back at square one: Dieting. Disgusting.
It is difficult for me to eat right now without feeling guilty. Regardless of my mental/physical state, I have always enjoyed meal time. Enjoy it like go to bed early so breakfast will come sooner. I do it big. Now it’s, “ooh I just ate that reasonable meal, when do I get to eat another? Good thing I have these students to teach otherwise I’d have NOTHING TO DO BETWEEN MEALS.” You read that right, folks. “Want to fill your time between Breakfast and Snack 1? Consider a career in education.” You can bet your ass I am thankful for training and practicing this summer just because I will have something to enjoy aside from food.
I think the most upsetting part is how easy it is for everything to unravel if you are not paying close attention. As someone who struggles with wanting to be perfect, this does not help. Two. Weeks. 20% of my lost weight can return. That’s insane. Yes, I am back to training (well, in two sports, anyhow), but does this mean I can’t ever relax? I am fighting every bone in my body not to weigh myself daily because I know I will go even more nuts.
I’m still fat. Just on the inside.