New Year’s Eve is never going to be the same for me – it was the day my Grandma died last year.
I called my Mom this morning at 9:34 AM – a year ago today, she had called me then to let me know Grandma wasn’t looking great. It was terribly shocking, despite her being 100 years old. I miss going to her house and giving her hugs after school. I hope she knows how much I miss her.
All year long, I’ve thought about how I want to be like her. I’ve been reflecting upon how I’ve had this drive to accomplish so much and make the most of my education and training and her death makes me think – eh. Will I ever be the woman my grandmother was? She raised nine children with my grandfather, all of whom who live “better” (in the sense of material things) than she did. I always joked with my mother that Grandma would outlive us all, since she was so committed to eating well and taking vitamins and supplements. “Joan,” she would say. “I saw it on the world wide web – I want to try this.” We lost Grandpa in 2003, and though she missed Jamaica terribly, she always made the most of every day. You could NOT go into her house without hearing about Jesus. Grandma was unapologetic for better or worse, and frankly, it was usually better. How many people can say they both lived well and died well? Typically people are either eager to die, for an end to pain or loneliness, or scared because they don’t know what is coming next. Not my badass Grandma, who managed to find the balance of understanding that living is Christ and dying is gain – the embodiment of Philippians 1. She was prepared for it all.
How can I be like that?
I’ve been plugged into the Orthodox church lately and wonder every day if I should take the plunge and get chrismated. It’s peak Grandma to be at church – how can anyone possibly do all that she did without profound faith? If I get chrismated, am I being less like Grandma because she was Baptist? Does it matter? In this moment, I am growing in a way I have not in a while. I stopped going to my Baptist church because when the pastor I greatly respected left, he was replaced by a pastor who wrote in a blog (since taken down, of course) that a Christian could justify a vote for Trump in 2016 but not Clinton. I simply do not feel safe in white evangelical spaces any longer. I could look for a Missionary Baptist or an AME church, but it seems silly not to look for a home in the faith of my husband and stepdaughters. The priest who married us at the Orthodox church says I have to do it just for me – if I didn’t have any Orthodox family, would I still want to become Orthodox? Am I forsaking my family’s culture if I do that? What will help me MOST be like Grandma? Does it matter which church I am in as long as I am growing?
I suppose I should be most scared of forsaking Christ. I don’t see any risk of that in the Orthodox church, theologically speaking. I want to live well AND finish well, just like Grandma. 2021 had a lot of ups and downs, but I am at peace despite the turmoil. I don’t know what 2022 will bring, but my mission statement is simple: serve God and have a good time. I have hope because of Christ. Hopefully it will be a long time before I’m in Granny’s arms again, but that’s where I wanna be!
ladyjdoesit 
Comments on: "Finishing Well" (2)
I get the sense you’re already the woman your grandmother was. I hope you find a church that you like this year!
What kind words – I want to say I can only hope, but I am trying to act, too 🙂 Thanks for reading!