We are no longer counting months, weeks, or days. My name will be hyphenated in a matter of HOURS. I’ve already been chastened by each of my parents about ways they think I can be a better wife to Adonis. Yikes.
Though I hate being reminded of places where I need work, I am thankful that I will never be too old for my parents to rebuke me. I am confident that I will be continually redirected on a path that will bring God glory. Moreover, it feels good to know that they support our union – Lord knows that if they did not, they would be telling me to run instead of helping me to do better.
Over the past month, I have feared many things. Have I made the right decision? Will I lose myself? Am I good enough? These kinds of questions have haunted me in many contexts in the past but of course, never so intensely as it’s been. They are another marker of a consistent pattern of a lack of faith, both in God and in myself. I’ve expressed to Adonis that my greatest fear is being critical toward him the way I am critical toward myself. It frightens me that even though I can pinpoint the way in which I am most likely to chip away at our relationship, I find myself being critical in ways that he simply does not deserve. I am making the same mistake with Adonis that I’ve made with myself for so many years – not looking at him through God’s eyes.
Tonight is the last night that I will put my single self to sleep. With her, I hope I can retire my tendency to focus on the wrong things. A lot of people are pretty bloody negative, especially about marriage and relationships. It is my fervent prayer that I will no longer be conformed to this world but be transformed by the continual renewing of my mind. May I not resist the prodding of the Holy Spirit. It is only through Him that I have any hope of being good to him. 😎
Being honest is difficult for me.
Perhaps it’s because I equate honesty with openness, but I think real honesty makes people uncomfortable. When the Facebook page for this 21 day challenge opened, I had something I immediately wanted to share but I stopped myself.
“Are we allowed to tell the truth?”
I feel that if I were to really say what I am thinking much of the time, the response would be either silence or empty platitudes. It happens every time that I am feeling anything but totally happy – I publish a post and it gets relatively little attention compared to my more triumphant ones, so to speak. This only reinforces my belief that people really aren’t to be trusted unless I am at my best. Why is this the case?
Perhaps it is because weakness makes people very uncomfortable. To see it in a person you may view as strong (not me, clearly) could cause you to question your own strength. Nobody enjoys dwelling on their imperfections, me more than anyone. It’s why going to the gym or reading the Bible can be so disconcerting – you are faced with dealing with where you are, and it may be extremely unpleasant.
If I am honest with myself, there are times I train – physically and spiritually – and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much. I read the posts about Daily Wins and I think – “Welp. I’m still fat. Glad you’re feeling good though!” I have nothing but the faith that what I was doing before wasn’t working and this is something that will bring me closer to where I need to be.
I would rather be honest with myself – and likely by myself – than pretend I’ve got it all together just to put others at ease. Hopefully there’s a pay off in all of this.
Question: What’s a clear sign you aren’t having a good workout?
Answer: When you start blogging in the middle of it.
Yup. I’m a quitter. The mistake to which I refer is not today’s suckful workout. I’m talmbout this foolishness right here:
What. Was. I. Thinking.
I barely know how my bike works. 13.1 miles on my feet wears me out by itself. The swim – eh. But for 70.3 miles I should feel better than eh. Moreover, my body is strong in relation to my mind. I am weak and this is not for the weak! You know what I found myself thinking during the workouts that I actually did this week? “I miss being 200 pounds.” I don’t think it was easier on my mind, and it definitely wasn’t easier on my body, but damn. I don’t think I’m cut out for this.