My God, I am needy.
I’ve spent 30 years trying to deny it, but now that I am engaged, the jig is officially up. What is a wedding if not a public admission of lack of self-sufficiency? Blah blah love blah blah family blah blah big ass party. Don’t get it twisted – I could not be happier to profess my neediness before the Lord and forever intertwine my life with that of Adonis. I would be remiss, however, if I did not reflect upon that which has helped me arrive here.
I must admit that this denial of being needy has been rooted in fear. If I truly need something, will I be able to get it? Let’s pretend that the need doesn’t exist! Do I really need to elaborate upon all that I have needed from my parents? I am blessed to witness their stable, loving relationship. They’ve demonstrated their love for Christ and shared Him with me. They gave me music lessons! Learning to play this beautiful music has brought not only joy but wonderful teachers, colleagues, and now students into my life to shape me into the woman I am. The discipline I’ve gleaned as a musician has helped me commit to running and fitness, which has brought another amazing cohort of people into my world.
I am confident that March 12 will be the best day of my life to date because it will be the day that I am finally celebrating my neediness. It is this need that has helped me the strong person I need to be in order to risk being permanently vulnerable. No celebration can be recognized as such, however, without the pregame. Apparently, this is to come in the form of a bachelorette party, says society.
If you know me well, you know that I am a long-range planner. I picked my bachelorette weekend six months ago. “Why am I just hearing about it?” You asked that at JUST the right time. Inviting people to something like this means I need you, and that still makes me uncomfortable. I have needed amazing girlfriends all of my life, and I will continue to need them after I am Mrs. Lady J. I don’t just want to celebrate getting married. I want to celebrate with the wonderful women who have helped me become who I am. I want to celebrate the life God has given me and the people He has given to me. I want to be the best friend I can be because I’ve been given such wonderful friends. I need you to run or walk beside me, just as you have been doing, whether it’s been for 20 years or 20 months.
I need you.
Being honest is difficult for me.
Perhaps it’s because I equate honesty with openness, but I think real honesty makes people uncomfortable. When the Facebook page for this 21 day challenge opened, I had something I immediately wanted to share but I stopped myself.
“Are we allowed to tell the truth?”
I feel that if I were to really say what I am thinking much of the time, the response would be either silence or empty platitudes. It happens every time that I am feeling anything but totally happy – I publish a post and it gets relatively little attention compared to my more triumphant ones, so to speak. This only reinforces my belief that people really aren’t to be trusted unless I am at my best. Why is this the case?
Perhaps it is because weakness makes people very uncomfortable. To see it in a person you may view as strong (not me, clearly) could cause you to question your own strength. Nobody enjoys dwelling on their imperfections, me more than anyone. It’s why going to the gym or reading the Bible can be so disconcerting – you are faced with dealing with where you are, and it may be extremely unpleasant.
If I am honest with myself, there are times I train – physically and spiritually – and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much. I read the posts about Daily Wins and I think – “Welp. I’m still fat. Glad you’re feeling good though!” I have nothing but the faith that what I was doing before wasn’t working and this is something that will bring me closer to where I need to be.
I would rather be honest with myself – and likely by myself – than pretend I’ve got it all together just to put others at ease. Hopefully there’s a pay off in all of this.
Says the girl who is eating like it’s Mardi Gras before her training plan starts. Heh.
Lady J is resolving to do the following:
1. This one is the most important. I know whatever comes below will be executed imperfectly. I resolve to give myself the freedom to be imperfect without beating myself up.
2. To start saving more regularly for my retirement, aka only working 20 hours a week. I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility for me to fall over at a piano lesson in my 90s. Poor kid.
3. To put mostly good things into my body to fuel all the things I demand of it.
4. To embrace rather than curse my vulnerability.
5. To put at least 15 minutes a day into housework. (I skipped yesterday and will do 30 today. Heh).
6. To ask for help before the last minute. Even the last two minutes would be better.
7. To lose a currently undefined amount of weight before my first triathlon of the season. This weight is undefined because I refuse to weigh myself before the end of this month. I’m going to make good choices and let the numbers take care of themselves, for now.
8. To do more rigorous study of the Bible.
9. To find ways to save money despite being a teacher AND triathlete.
10. To be a “thermostat” and not a “thermometer.” I was watching a church service on television and the pastor was saying that many people are thermometers, in that they just measure the temperature of their circumstance. A thermostat, in contrast, sets the temperature. I want to be a positive force, regardless of what the circumstance is.
Heh. Bet you weren’t expecting this! You know Lady J loves to surprise people, tee hee.
To everyone else aside from 3M – the reason she likely wasn’t expecting this is because she was actually the first person to whom I dedicated a blog post. Long before I made the Shoutout Series an official thing, I felt the need to share with the world what a big deal she is.
Since I wrote about 3M 5 months ago, I’ve been honored to become even closer to her. As I take time this week to count my many blessings, I reflect upon on how she blesses me each day with her presence in my life. There’s not one day that goes by that she doesn’t inspire me to be a better person. She is one of my favorite people with whom to laugh – especially about my many frailties. There aren’t too many people in the world with whom I am comfortable being vulnerable, but I have a 3M in front of whom I can be my imperfect self.
To 3M – thanks for helping Lady J to do it. Not sure how I made it the first 28 without you. ❤️❤️❤️