I do it, and I do it big. Here's to not forgetting about it.

Posts tagged ‘support’

Being Shown What’s Weak: Pre-Nuptial Report, Part I 

  
We are no longer counting months, weeks, or days. My name will be hyphenated in a matter of HOURS. I’ve already been chastened by each of my parents about ways they think I can be a better wife to Adonis. Yikes. 

Though I hate being reminded of places where I need work, I am thankful that I will never be too old for my parents to rebuke me. I am confident that I will be continually redirected on a path that will bring God glory. Moreover, it feels good to know that they support our union – Lord knows that if they did not, they would be telling me to run instead of helping me to do better. 

Over the past month, I have feared many things. Have I made the right decision? Will I lose myself? Am I good enough? These kinds of questions have haunted me in many contexts in the past but of course, never so intensely as it’s been. They are another marker of a consistent pattern of a lack of faith, both in God and in myself. I’ve expressed to Adonis that my greatest fear is being critical toward him the way I am critical toward myself. It frightens me that even though I can pinpoint the way in which I am most likely to chip away at our relationship, I find myself being critical in ways that he simply does not deserve. I am making the same mistake with Adonis that I’ve made with myself for so many years – not looking at him through God’s eyes. 

Tonight is the last night that I will put my single self to sleep. With her, I hope I can retire my tendency to focus on the wrong things. A lot of people are pretty bloody negative, especially about marriage and relationships. It is my fervent prayer that I will no longer be conformed to this world but be transformed by the continual renewing of my mind. May I not resist the prodding of the Holy Spirit. It is only through Him that I have any hope of being good to him. 😎

Sooooo…why did YOUUUUU clap? Recital Report, Part III

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Among the many things for which I am thankful is a well-functioning frontal lobe. It keeps me from asking stupid ass questions such as the one posed in the title. However, as I was giving (getting?) hugs after my performance, people seemed to be answering this question though I did not ask it.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I bloody hate logistics. I CAN be an organized person, but because of my tendency toward perfectionism I usually shut down and wait until the absolute last minute to execute plans. One of the things I put off was deciding whom to invite. Of course, there were the people whom I knew love Lady J; por ejemplo, Mom and Dad had invested, say, $6920572047204 into my piano lessons. They’ll probably come check it out. Then there are the friends who are there to listen to me meltdown about the latest problems with my dead guy friends. Those were easy.

I’d like to say if I were performing popular music, inviting people would have been more of a no-brainer. Alas, I am an overthinker anyhow and likely would have operated with similar hesitancy. My program went a lil sumthin like dis:

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People like what they know. Perhaps most could pick Beethoven (his likeness, not his music) out of a lineup, but the others? I didn’t want people to be bored. I settled on inviting people whom I figured would be amused to see me doing something that they don’t normally see. How often do non-musicians attend piano recitals of people to whom they did not give birth? People do things for the sake of novelty, right?

I reach the end of the recital. I get the claps. I wouldn’t expect anything less because applause is just good manners. People hand out standing ovations like I hand out candy to bribe my students to behave. Whatever keeps society running more smoothly, right? Most of the feedback fell into one of two categories:

1. You played some of my favorite pieces.

Of course. Moonlight Sonata and Clair de Lune. I picked my program with no regard to the wishes of my audience, so I suppose I was fortunate. “While I wasn’t surprised that this was said, I was surprised to learn that people were thankful that I played something familiar. I totally hadn’t thought how that would affect how my recital was received. I, too, am ‘guilty’ of preferring what I know. “It was really
cool to hear Clair de Lune performed live!” That made me smile. I got to bring people closer to something they already knew.

2. Cool. Weird, but cool.

“Man. You were really saying something up there. I don’t know what it was! But you sure said it.”

I’m pretty sure that’s the best review I’ve ever gotten. Thanks, Uncle. It spoke to the fact that many people don’t choose to listen to Classical instrumental music. Words give us cues. I REALLY take for granted that sometimes it’s easy to feel lost without that guide. If your ear isn’t ready, Mozart can sound like Schoenberg. And that’s a DAMN shame. I was pleased that people were able to enjoy the program without having a map, so to speak.

I’ve written previously about why I think people really clap for a performance. Lady J’s got some ovaries on her. I am the most at peace I’ve ever been about a performance. I am excited to prepare another recital. While I am a competent pianist, I don’t think that’s my greatest strength. I think it’s – well, this. I’m VERY mortal and I put it out there. Usually unapologetically. Truth? I can’t stand my people. Classical musicians, I mean. We make triathletes seem gentle and humble, and that is no small feat. I had to think twice about blogging about my recital because throughout school it felt like showing weakness was not allowed. Ever. Dammit, I’ve got feelings. I believe I reach people by sharing them. We play the greatest music in the world. Let’s not make it less accessible by being jerks because we put the time in.

In Him, I am strong. Rar. 😎

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