I can’t say that I feel very happy right now.
Between now and the last 6 months I’ve posted, I have done the following:
- Taught in the same position for another half year
- Ran a 10K and a 5K
- Surprised my parents with a vow renewal
It doesn’t feel like I’ve done very much, as action packed and busy as it feels as it is happening. Perhaps I wish that I were nicer to myself, but I don’t feel I really deserve it, nor am I sure what I would need to do in order to merit treating myself better. As I think about the upcoming year, I want to do the usual – play more piano (including composing), lose weight, get faster. I have a few trips on my calendar but the only thing that really excites me is the idea of acquiring more things, which I feel is an especially sad place to be. I’m bitter because I’ve worked out 3 days in a row and I’m not feeling the endorphins.
I just watched It’s a Wonderful Life for the first time last week and ugly cried as I found myself identifying strongly with George Bailey. At times I feel like I’m not sure why I exist and that I’m constantly falling short of whatever my destiny is supposed to be. Perhaps I should stop browsing for things to buy and pick up my Bible, even though I don’t remember ever reading about the Clarence guy I wish would come visit me. I promise to write another post before another six months goes by…