I can’t say that I feel very happy right now.
Between now and the last 6 months I’ve posted, I have done the following:
- Taught in the same position for another half year
- Ran a 10K and a 5K
- Surprised my parents with a vow renewal
It doesn’t feel like I’ve done very much, as action packed and busy as it feels as it is happening. Perhaps I wish that I were nicer to myself, but I don’t feel I really deserve it, nor am I sure what I would need to do in order to merit treating myself better. As I think about the upcoming year, I want to do the usual – play more piano (including composing), lose weight, get faster. I have a few trips on my calendar but the only thing that really excites me is the idea of acquiring more things, which I feel is an especially sad place to be. I’m bitter because I’ve worked out 3 days in a row and I’m not feeling the endorphins.
I just watched It’s a Wonderful Life for the first time last week and ugly cried as I found myself identifying strongly with George Bailey. At times I feel like I’m not sure why I exist and that I’m constantly falling short of whatever my destiny is supposed to be. Perhaps I should stop browsing for things to buy and pick up my Bible, even though I don’t remember ever reading about the Clarence guy I wish would come visit me. I promise to write another post before another six months goes by…
I had resolved to set the so-called temperature with my attitude rather than respond to what is going around me. If I have succeeded this year, I honestly cannot recall. I do remember several times feeling like I should just walk in front of the oncoming semi and put myself out of my misery.
Writing that upsets me because I know how blessed I am. When I come upon such strong emotions, feeling like I cannot do anything correct, like I am a mediocre waste of space, I do my best to shield others from my self-loathing. In a sense, that effort in and of itself is a win; I never want to bring anyone “down” where I am.
Of course, these emotions are most likely to arise when I am premenstrual, which makes the situation all the more frustrating. I’ve had my period for damn near 20 years now and I STILL can’t seem to figure out why I live in a fog for a few days a month. I thank God that I tend not to act rashly (wait until the truck passes, Joan, it might turn out okay), but I need to be able to combat these hormonal forces better. I want to be a person people want to be around because of my sharing the truth with them, the truth being that they have something to offer, that they are worthy of love. Hard to do when I feel like this guy:
Am I ugly? Am I talented? Am I athletic? Am I going to be a good wife?
Even when I cannot bring myself to answer those questions, I always can say God loves me and others so I should continue doing the best I can and trying to get better. Maybe the answers to the other questions don’t really matter as much as being a loving person. Perhaps the key to being a thermostat is to stop asking and to start doing. Dammit. ❤️