I do it, and I do it big. Here's to not forgetting about it.

Posts tagged ‘Perfectionist’

Warning: Triathlon can make it go soft.

Your heart, that is. What else would I be talking about?

All right, kids. It’s been a week since I registered for this madness, and I am quickly realizing that my life is very different than it was just a year ago.

“But Lady J,” you retort. “You were sexy as hell last October, even before you did your first triathlon. What are you talking about?” Well. Who am I to fight an argument like that? *blushes* I’ve got to tell y’all, though – the eyes through which I admire myself in the mirror see life in a new way.

Life can be more than a bit torturous for an introverted perfectionist. Already, my tendency is to share myself fairly selectively. Add to that my feeling that the more people know me the less they’ll want to do with me – quite frankly, it’s a wonder that I open up to anyone. Probably because all humans need connection with one another. Whatevs.

Since triathlon has come into my life, I am finding that I resent that need less and less. What is training but dealing with imperfection? Race day is simply imperfection management. I have learned that excellence and imperfection are not mutually exclusive. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that because my definition of success is changing, I am slowly becoming more comfortable sharing with others.

As I think of just how intense my training will have to be as I approach my first Ironman, I find myself looking forward not to race day itself but to the path that will take me there. I am excited to dig deep and see more of what I am made. The real shocking part is that I am also excited to get to know people who are currently in my life even better. Not only that, it doesn’t scare me to ask for help as it once did. I know I am going to meet a lot of new people and it doesn’t even make me roll my eyes to think about it. What’s that about?!

I think my favorite part of my mellowing is what I see happening in my professional life. I find that a kinder, gentler Lady J is more sensitive to the needs of my students. It is easier for me to see the good in their efforts to make music, even when it sounds absolutely horrific. The words that it takes to convince someone to try something new are coming more naturally to me. My babies are becoming less tense because I am starting to recognize that it is normal for them not to understand something right away, to stumble, and then get it if they keep showing up.

“Lady J,” you say in disbelief. “You teach music. Shouldn’t you know better than anyone that practice is needed to become proficient at anything?” Dammit. You’re right again. And I have always maintained with my students that I don’t expect them to be perfect – only to try their best. I am realizing I have secretly been hoping that they would get it right on the first try because their imperfection is a reflection of my imperfection. The more they play imperfectly, the more I have to deal with my own inadequacies as musician and teacher. Twisted, I know. Now, I am able to celebrate their progress with much more than a sigh of relief. “Thank God I don’t completely suck,” I would think. No, no, NO! “Thank God you stuck with it and can reap the rewards of your hard work.”

So, um, yeah. Lord willing, becoming an Ironman is gonna be pretty sweet. The road and relationships I build along the way are going to be even sweeter. Hugs for everyone!

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I’m the same person I always was. FanFREAKINGtastic.

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Not happening. That’s good race money.

So here I am, dissatisfied with my current weight. I had been so proud of myself that I no longer thought of all the cupcakes and cookies at work as tempting. Now that I’m consciously working to weigh less, EVERYTHING is taunting me. It is as though I am back at square one: Dieting. Disgusting.

It is difficult for me to eat right now without feeling guilty. Regardless of my mental/physical state, I have always enjoyed meal time. Enjoy it like go to bed early so breakfast will come sooner. I do it big. Now it’s, “ooh I just ate that reasonable meal, when do I get to eat another? Good thing I have these students to teach otherwise I’d have NOTHING TO DO BETWEEN MEALS.” You read that right, folks. “Want to fill your time between Breakfast and Snack 1? Consider a career in education.” You can bet your ass I am thankful for training and practicing this summer just because I will have something to enjoy aside from food.

I think the most upsetting part is how easy it is for everything to unravel if you are not paying close attention. As someone who struggles with wanting to be perfect, this does not help. Two. Weeks. 20% of my lost weight can return. That’s insane. Yes, I am back to training (well, in two sports, anyhow), but does this mean I can’t ever relax? I am fighting every bone in my body not to weigh myself daily because I know I will go even more nuts.

I’m still fat. Just on the inside.

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