I do it, and I do it big. Here's to not forgetting about it.

Posts tagged ‘Nutrition’

Throwback Thursday: Temptation Edition

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So, it’s summer. Not just any summer, but teacher summer. Single, childless, teacher summer. Hard to beat. I prance through the mall, singing to myself, “La, la, I’m not responsible for these children!” Not even kidding. When I’m not prancing, I’m either at the gym or at the piano, of course.

Problem(s).

Often, on nutritional regimens, people will say that during the week they are fine but on the weekend, there is a tendency to go buck wild. I’ve found that as long as I plan for the weekend in a way that I plan for the week, I’m good. But, uh – I kind of have a 70 day weekend. I’m not THAT good. Also, playing the piano as much as I am now hearkens back to my days of college and graduate school, where I relied on food to cope with all the negative emotions I had . Even when as I practice happily I think to myself, ooh, food reward! Damn.

Then, today, I had my piano lesson. The kind where I’m taking it instead of dishing it out. I can’t say that it was bad, as my perspective has changed, but it didn’t go how I would like. Quite frankly, I lost my appetite – for everything. No thought of any food excites me at the moment. Feel a tap on your shoulder? Is it Jesus? Yeah, that’s rare. However, I’m starting to realize that this food battle is here with me to stay, so I’m not too concerned about it as long as I don’t eat like I’m a depressed grad student any longer.

What’s more alarming is how tempted I am to give up despite a setback. I arrived home not wanting to eat, but also not wanting to practice. I feel discouraged because it didn’t go perfectly. The spark I’ve had recently is – not dead, but dimming, for sure. No one can reignite it except me. That’s a lot of freaking responsibility. Especially now, because, whereas in school I had the motivation to NOT FAIL, there is nothing outward that can scare me into getting it back.

Good news, though – I am listening to the inner voice that says it is worth getting it back to see how much I can accomplish. I am not like those annoying people who pretend they are never sad; like they are never let down. I don’t have the energy today to try again. But Lord willing, I will see another day, and I plan on trying again tomorrow – to play with joy, to eat with purpose, and to live in a way that glorifies God. How else would I show Him I’m appreciative of all He’s given me?

Ecclesiastes 11:9 (KJV)

Ecclesiastes 11:9 (KJV)

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Apparently, I’m a Total Bitch. Workout Edition

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Overheard at the gym:

(Spoken in most valley voice possible)
Chick: Oh. My. Gawd. This is, like, really hard. I can’t even, like, run a mile.

Now, as I work out, I’m pretty focused on what I’m doing. However, this chick’s voice KINDA grated on my ears. So I did what any normal woman would do. I checked her out.

Tiny waist. Big titties. Booty with personality. Long, flowing hair. Aside from her lack of running stamina, I know NOTHING about this woman. She could be very lovely. Or she could be as annoying as I found her voice to be. I don’t know, and honestly, that’s not really the point. But I am ashamed of what went through my head next.

“This heffa can’t even run a mile and she has that body? Lucky. BITCH.”

I have been blessed with many things. Not among my collection of blessings is the ability to not run a mile and still be hot. I’ve got to work hard as hell not to be a chocolate blob. Granted, everyone loves chocolate, but still. It feels like I can’t rest and there are people who walk this earth who can.

Of course, they can’t really. The “overweight” person who can run a mile is better off than the shapely, socially acceptably shaped person who cannot. What’s really scary is how pervasive these perceptions are – that it is better to be cute than healthy. They almost got me too, man. You really never know what someone is going through or has been through. This is my clarion call – do what you can to uplift those around you. Even the luckiest bitches.

So, to the chick at the gym – I am sorry I called you a bitch in my head! Keep coming and I’m sure you will be able to run that mile very soon! You will be better for it. Perhaps not as witty as I am, but hey, you can’t have everything.

11:59 PM

I may have to turn in my chick card for this, but unless it’s for working out or lingerie, I really dislike shopping for clothes. “Maybe she only likes shopping for activities for which she displays her mind-blowing physical prowess,” you think to yourself. Alas, this is not the case.

I hate:

1. Going to the rack for something that may catch my eye
2. If I find it, praying that it’s in my size
3. Figuring out what the hell my size may be in a particular clothing line
4. Undressing and seeing all my imperfections in that bloody mirror
5. Inevitably getting it wrong and having to put on my original clothes and try again
6. Seeking someone other than the sales chick for an opinion because she’s just trying to make a living

The list continues. However, none of those is the principal reason that I have been incredibly uncomfortable at the mall in recent months. As I’ve lost weight, I’ve been forced to purchase new clothes a few times. I am happy that I’m healthy, but I am not immune from the idiotic size foolishness. “Smaller is better than bigger.” Is it really? Is an 8 inherently better than a 12? Yeah, smaller Joan is better off than bigger Joan because she’s healthier. Yet I still am panicked when I choose an article of clothing, to the point where I’ll choose something that I think may be too big so I can be relieved instead of disappointed. Unless stores start charging less money because you are paying for less material, ladies, we need to cut this size obsession business out.

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But, here I am. The healthiest I have ever been in my adult life. And I’m freaking terrified. Students, parents, friends, family – I keep getting encouraged and praised for my progress and it’s very difficult for me not to view that as pressure. Especially when people ask me for guidance as though I’m someone to look up to. Dammit, this ain’t work, this is life!

It is completely surreal to me that I am doing fit people things. I have become
one of those weirdos who feels like a
slacker when I get in only one workout a day. I once ate poorly fairly regularly – now, when I do I look forward to eating better and thus feeling better. When I happen to be indulging with others, it is often remarked that it is no problem for me because I’m “going to run a billion miles in the morning.” I hear that and I think, “this is not good fuel for that billion mile run but I want it anyway!” A reply like that generally would cause eyes to glaze over, so I leave it alone. I am – so not used to being this person. This life is so wonderful and liberating but it feels like a fairy tale. We are often told that all good things must come to an end and I can’t help but wonder when my carriage is going to turn back into a pumpkin. No mind that as soon as I typed “pumpkin,” I thought that I should work pumpkin seeds into my regular diet. This feels way too good to be true.

The fitting room is a much too tangible reminder of all I have gained and am at risk of losing. But what can I do? Maybe a move to a nudist colony is in order.

Too Young For This Kind of Memory Loss: On Nutrition

“Why are you acting like you are going to prison?”

Such was the reaction of my mother last night as she saw me eat a dinner of a raspberry napoleon, two croissants (one with tuna and boursin cheese, the other with grape jelly and butter), and a Ritter Sport Hazelnut and Raisin Chocolate Bar. Indeed, I don’t normally eat like that – anymore, anyhow. Today marked the beginning of a challenge at my boot camp where we’re supposed to tighten up for six weeks. I almost dread challenges like this because I have not yet reached a point of maturity where I am able to not make the upcoming days like bloody Mardi Gras. “Oh, gonna be good starting next week? Imma go buck wild until then!”

As this is not the first time I have challenged myself, it frustrates me that I still face the same temptations. You should see me walk down the fancy candy aisle and look stare LEER at the chocolate. If chocolate and I were co-workers it would have complained to our boss about harassment long ago. As I know not to cross that line, I keep it moving. Why do I act like I am depriving myself when I know that eating chocolate the way I may like to is not good for me?

Because being bad feels good.

Was my dinner from last night really that amazing? No. Well, don’t get it twisted, it was a lot of fun, but the fun was less in the taste and more in the fact that I knew I shouldn’t be doing it and was doing it anyway. Why eat food that I don’t normally eat simply because I can? Paul writes about it more eloquently and succinctly than I could in Romans 7:9-10:

Before I knew about the Law, I was alive. But as soon as I heard that command, sin came to life, 10 and I died.

The Law referenced above concerns the Ten Commandments, but in this context it applies to my nutrition plan. My eating wasn’t terrible prior to receiving this plan, but now I get the plan and it’s like, damn, I need to do better. So I’m going to rebel and do the complete opposite until I absolutely have to start. Let me revel in my badness before I have to deal with it. My fear of failure – of not meeting the requirements of the law/meal plan/whatever – has been enough in the past to keep me from trying my best. What could be worse than trying and failing? Womp womp. But clearly, I have met success in this endeavor. Quite a bit. So why the hell was I still acting a fool yesterday? Why, today, was I looking at the lunches of my colleagues with envy when I know what the result will be of my plan?

Memory. Loss.

I know how this works. I lost 50 pounds participating in plans like this one.  In truth, I am looking forward to eating better for the next several weeks. Not only will I feel better from giving my body the fuel it needs and deserves, but I will get to eat food that I enjoy. Nobody has forced me to participate in this challenge, and it’s not prison! Maybe more like rehab 🙂

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You may think that you have a special relationship with food, but this girl? I don’t need a birthday crown to get it with a cupcake like that. Anywhere, anytime, any (good quality!) food – I’m pretty indiscriminate. If you ask me what my favorite food is, you will invariably be met with silence. I haven’t met a cuisine of that cannot delight me. I am not above singing or dancing while I eat because good food just makes me that happy. Even a discussion about food can raise my heart rate.

The only thing that pleases me more than food is knowing that I am making good decisions for myself. ❤

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