I do it, and I do it big. Here's to not forgetting about it.

Posts tagged ‘insecurity’

Re: All Y’all, Noise, and Music

2014 is not ending at all like I thought it would, and for the most part, this is a fabulous thing. Since Augusta, I’ve had to continue dealing with this humanity business of mine and the fact that I need a break. I had signed up for Miami Man and didn’t do it. I had signed up for the Reggae Marathon and am doing the 10k tomorrow instead. My brain and body (especially my foot) say these choices are prudent but it is still difficult not to feel like a quitter. I strive to be a woman of integrity and want my word to have meaning, so it hurts me when I’ve said I will do something and do not, even when it is for the best.

Meanwhile, I am fat (relative to my fighting weight) and happy as hell. I’ve realized that where I messed up was not in choosing not to do something I said I would but simply refusing to accept not understanding that peaks and valleys of training and racing are natural and healthy. I’ve said since I started working full time that the academic calendar suits me because of its clear seasons and it helps my brain. Why wouldn’t running and triathlon be similar for me?

Alas. January 1 is coming. And quickly.

While I look forward to being lean (I’m always mean) again, it means I’m going to have to listen to a lot more noise. The noise comes from y’all. Don’t get it twisted – y’all are making plenty of noise now, but I’m keeping my distance because I can, hence my fat happiness.

So – what does Oxford have to say about noise?

A sound, especially one that is loud or unpleasant or that causes disturbance.

Das right. It comes in the form of insecure statements PROBABLY not meant to take down anyone else and usually about one’s self, but it is most definitely unpleasant and causes disturbance. My least favorite noise comes as unsolicited advice; I have a Coachie for a reason, I’m on it.

I’ll give y’all this, though – some of you aren’t making noise, but music. My favorite definition of music was given to me by one of my college professors: “Organized sound and silence.” We all have musical tastes and biases and what technically falls under this definition of music we can hear as noise. I am definitely guilty of this on occasion. Sometimes, one of you jokers is doing nothing but sharing and because of what’s going on inside of my head – my own doubts and fears, I hear noise and try to escape.

2014 has been a game changing year for me. I am finally starting to understand that excellence and imperfection must coexist. I have begun and hope to continue some amazing relationships. Finally, I have gotten better at assessing the difference between noise and music. And man, does this musician need music in her life – as encouraging words to inspire me to keep going and growing even when I think I can’t anymore. Even when I think everyone around me is so far ahead of me that I wonder how it’s possible that you respect me. Especially when I may behave like I resent you – but that’s just me making my own noise to attempt hiding my fear.

For now, I will put my feet up in this lounge chair and raise my glass (of water, there IS a race tomorrow) to all of you who have been music to my ears. I hope I have – and can – do the same for you!

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Sooooo…why did YOUUUUU clap? Recital Report, Part III

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Among the many things for which I am thankful is a well-functioning frontal lobe. It keeps me from asking stupid ass questions such as the one posed in the title. However, as I was giving (getting?) hugs after my performance, people seemed to be answering this question though I did not ask it.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I bloody hate logistics. I CAN be an organized person, but because of my tendency toward perfectionism I usually shut down and wait until the absolute last minute to execute plans. One of the things I put off was deciding whom to invite. Of course, there were the people whom I knew love Lady J; por ejemplo, Mom and Dad had invested, say, $6920572047204 into my piano lessons. They’ll probably come check it out. Then there are the friends who are there to listen to me meltdown about the latest problems with my dead guy friends. Those were easy.

I’d like to say if I were performing popular music, inviting people would have been more of a no-brainer. Alas, I am an overthinker anyhow and likely would have operated with similar hesitancy. My program went a lil sumthin like dis:

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People like what they know. Perhaps most could pick Beethoven (his likeness, not his music) out of a lineup, but the others? I didn’t want people to be bored. I settled on inviting people whom I figured would be amused to see me doing something that they don’t normally see. How often do non-musicians attend piano recitals of people to whom they did not give birth? People do things for the sake of novelty, right?

I reach the end of the recital. I get the claps. I wouldn’t expect anything less because applause is just good manners. People hand out standing ovations like I hand out candy to bribe my students to behave. Whatever keeps society running more smoothly, right? Most of the feedback fell into one of two categories:

1. You played some of my favorite pieces.

Of course. Moonlight Sonata and Clair de Lune. I picked my program with no regard to the wishes of my audience, so I suppose I was fortunate. “While I wasn’t surprised that this was said, I was surprised to learn that people were thankful that I played something familiar. I totally hadn’t thought how that would affect how my recital was received. I, too, am ‘guilty’ of preferring what I know. “It was really
cool to hear Clair de Lune performed live!” That made me smile. I got to bring people closer to something they already knew.

2. Cool. Weird, but cool.

“Man. You were really saying something up there. I don’t know what it was! But you sure said it.”

I’m pretty sure that’s the best review I’ve ever gotten. Thanks, Uncle. It spoke to the fact that many people don’t choose to listen to Classical instrumental music. Words give us cues. I REALLY take for granted that sometimes it’s easy to feel lost without that guide. If your ear isn’t ready, Mozart can sound like Schoenberg. And that’s a DAMN shame. I was pleased that people were able to enjoy the program without having a map, so to speak.

I’ve written previously about why I think people really clap for a performance. Lady J’s got some ovaries on her. I am the most at peace I’ve ever been about a performance. I am excited to prepare another recital. While I am a competent pianist, I don’t think that’s my greatest strength. I think it’s – well, this. I’m VERY mortal and I put it out there. Usually unapologetically. Truth? I can’t stand my people. Classical musicians, I mean. We make triathletes seem gentle and humble, and that is no small feat. I had to think twice about blogging about my recital because throughout school it felt like showing weakness was not allowed. Ever. Dammit, I’ve got feelings. I believe I reach people by sharing them. We play the greatest music in the world. Let’s not make it less accessible by being jerks because we put the time in.

In Him, I am strong. Rar. 😎

Y’all make me sick! Put it back in your tri shorts, I beg you

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This isn’t true! At least, of me. For one, I’ve been known to post a race or workout related status or two, tee hee. Moreover, when my friends are doing things they enjoy, why wouldn’t I want to read about it? Only a complete asshole someone who may be envious of one’s commitment to health and fitness would feel this way, right?

UNLESS.

Unless it becomes a bitch fest. Worse, a dick measuring contest. “No fair, my pace was slower than yours!” “Well, I may not have done THIS today, but I did THAT!” Oh, comment thread. You have a way of bringing out the worst in people. I’m not going to say that no one wants to read about that, but I know for damn sure I don’t.

“But Lady J,” you counter. “Aren’t you being a *tad* judgmental? You don’t know why s(he) posted those comments.” Of course I am! I judge all day. Real talk. Not in the “I am better than you are” way, but most definitely in the “I don’t want to be around that mess” way. We ALL do. Anyone who claims not to be judging in this sense is a liar and probably a hypocrite. But yes, dear reader, you are correct in saying that I cannot be sure why said comments were made. You’ve got to admit though, not all workout posts are alike. “I did really well today!” or even “Aw man that was pretty lame” reads very differently than “My pace was not as fast as this person’s” or “I could have done that but I was out doing THIS instead.”

How about we all put away our penises and rulers and just enjoy the growth that comes with pushing ourselves to be stronger and more fit?

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