It’s February and I’m afraid to weigh myself.
I hate to say that I’m one of those people, but I started the year really well on a detox. I lost my marathon weight and was feeling better. I won’t post all the details here, but I went to the doctor one day and left feeling fat and frustrated, so I’ve been slowly but surely returning to my habits.
I am seeing that it isn’t so much the taste of unhealthy food that I crave, but I have allowed my life to become so busy that I prefer the “liberation” of not planning workouts or meals. Of course, the word of the Lord proves true for me – I am not at peace when I do not keep the law, or healthy living, in this case.
I must say, however, that there is much hope in my most recent race performances. Shortly after the marathon, I was concerned that I was permanently slower than I have been. I see now that this is not the case. I am coming close to some of my best times – and I am fat. That is AWESOME. That means if I get it together and get my vision back, the best shape of my life could still be ahead of me.
Some dilemma, no? I could be healthier and faster but I don’t feel like planning my meals and doing tough workouts right now. Joan. Seriously? What if Baby J comes on the scene in 2018 and it’s game over for the time being? What if life just happens and I get an injury that sets me back? I am happy that my body seems to have bounced back from my marathon, but Lord knows I will be truly happy only when I place some restraint on myself and work toward the best body I can. He gave it to me! Can’t have all the cupcakes!
Well. Another new year is upon us. And a whole heap of weight is upon me. Damn. I’m fat again.
Of course, I’m mad at myself for allowing such weight gain in the past two years of my life, despite continuing to race. I feel as though I have failed; as the losing all the weight that I did really means nothing because I haven’t been able to keep it off. Each time I log into MyFitnessPal – and am completely honest, re: weight – I feel like a loser (gainer?). Is anything really different this time? I thought it had been, because I’d finally learned that weight management is a process not an event. I thought that because I found an activity that I really enjoy that I would be able to maintain my weight loss within 5 to 10 pounds. It turns out that I am still not over my habit of using food as a way to cope with changes in my life. Marriage, stepchildren, moving. Two weddings (long story)! It was a lot of business. Plus, food still tastes GREAT. Nevertheless, I still need to do something about my current weight, because I am not as healthy as I could be.
I think I should be thankful that I am in a place where I recognize that my problem is not so much the fact that I’ve regained weight that I’ve lost but the fact that it was easy for me to do so because of how I deal with change in my life. I also think I have issues with my body image that allow for me to be indifferent as to how I look. It doesn’t seem to matter whether I weigh 150 or 200; I seem to always see a fat person in the mirror. It is much easier to follow a plan and make more good choices than bad than it is to really zero in on what it is that causes me to feel this way. That just might be a beast that I will have to fight for all of my life. I hope my goals for the year are not incongruent; I would like to run 4 Half marathons and lose 40 pounds. 10 pounds per race. Ha. I will be writing more in the coming week about why I have chosen those particular goals, as well as how I feel I performed in 2016 and meeting those goals.
Here’s to not completely screwing up 2017. Happy new year!
We all know it’s the same me. I just want to get her into my pants.
Not happening. That’s good race money.
So here I am, dissatisfied with my current weight. I had been so proud of myself that I no longer thought of all the cupcakes and cookies at work as tempting. Now that I’m consciously working to weigh less, EVERYTHING is taunting me. It is as though I am back at square one: Dieting. Disgusting.
It is difficult for me to eat right now without feeling guilty. Regardless of my mental/physical state, I have always enjoyed meal time. Enjoy it like go to bed early so breakfast will come sooner. I do it big. Now it’s, “ooh I just ate that reasonable meal, when do I get to eat another? Good thing I have these students to teach otherwise I’d have NOTHING TO DO BETWEEN MEALS.” You read that right, folks. “Want to fill your time between Breakfast and Snack 1? Consider a career in education.” You can bet your ass I am thankful for training and practicing this summer just because I will have something to enjoy aside from food.
I think the most upsetting part is how easy it is for everything to unravel if you are not paying close attention. As someone who struggles with wanting to be perfect, this does not help. Two. Weeks. 20% of my lost weight can return. That’s insane. Yes, I am back to training (well, in two sports, anyhow), but does this mean I can’t ever relax? I am fighting every bone in my body not to weigh myself daily because I know I will go even more nuts.
I’m still fat. Just on the inside.