I do it, and I do it big. Here's to not forgetting about it.

Posts tagged ‘Beauty’

Bad Mother On The (Long) Run

“Giving birth would be AWESOME.” 

How did I get there, you ask? It only took me 8 miles. 

You see, I woke up feeling quite nervous about today’s long run, the first of my 16 weeks of marathon training. Generally speaking, I tend to get worked up about my workouts, because I want them to go well, but especially about my long runs. Am I ready for today’s journey? Indeed, each time I feel I am embarking to an unknown destination, despite the fact that I have run this particular distance -and longer – several times in the past. And you know what? Let’s be real. Every long run is different because I am different. How was my sleep? Nutrition? Stress level? Fitness? Hah, we’re about to find out if whoever I am this week is sufficient. 

Hurricane Hermine not only extended my weekend but also provided some lovely weather for today’s journey. If I could write a weather system a thank you note, I would. I was surprised that I had to actually slow down to run the pace in my plan. “Maybe I don’t suck!” Said I, after mile 1. “Too early to tell,” I retorted. “We are tight,” my legs squealed. “Shut up, we’ll be done eventually,” I said with a grimace. “You need to lose weight,” squeaked my running skort. “Tomorrow,” I said, crossing my fingers. 

I am pleased to report that on this day, I was able to outrun my negative thoughts and complete my long run, feeling strong. As I approached my car, I looked at my reflection in the window. I was drenched in sweat. I giggled and took the obligatory selfie. It dawned on me that I never view myself as more beautiful than when I finish a long run. My accomplishment makes me both glisten and glow. No makeup, no jewelry – just one foot in front of the other until it’s done. Naturally, the longer the run, the more beautiful I’ll be, I figure. So how could I NOT think to myself –

“I bet I would look GORGEOUS after giving birth!” 

Put one in the ‘pro’ column for (biological) motherhood, y’all. 

Only 1:39 of labor.

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Breaking News!!

I am beautiful.

Some may read that and think that it is a conceited statement. Others whom I’ve heard describe me as such may think it is an obvious statement. However, for me to say this is a big deal. It means that I am finally starting to acknowledge my victories and embrace the good about me.

This realization came about as I was posting about my Raceaversary and I looked through pictures of my physical transformation that has occurred over the past year. As I looked over my first blog post, I studied the picture of my first race more closely. I don’t think I could have been smiling any harder. It may help to understand that I’ve struggled with body image most of my adult life, irrespective of weighing 135 or 215. Over time, this manifested itself in hating pictures. The fact that I was SO excited for this picture to be taken is mindblowing to me. I felt it essential to capture the moments just after my first finish line. I could look through photos spanning several years and it would be difficult to find one where I appear more excited and proud to be in front of the camera.  So what has got full-figured LadyJ so amped?

Remember when I italicized physical in the previous paragraph? The pictures document an outward transformation but highlight an inward realization. The big girl was willing to take a risk. THERE is where the beauty lie all along. All the time I was living unhealthily, I was allowing my strength to idle. Perhaps that was the real source of my shame in front of the camera.

So yes, this risk taking, resourceful, resilient woman not only is beautiful, but HAD been beautiful the whole time. Here is to breaking free from the fears of failure that so frequently keep us from harnessing our strength.

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